100 Bursts of Anger
(Plus more because I often lost count)
Burst of Anger #001: Expected to be lighter this morning, but scale said otherwise. FU scale! Your truth is a dagger in the belt of Brutus!
Burst of Anger #002: Nobody told me, but it was Ass SUV Parking Day at the parking deck this morning. Back up and park straight. Just once.
Burst of Anger #003: Santana and Kenny Wayne Sheppard are boring and overrated. There. I said it.
Burst of Anger #004: God curses Egypt with boils and plague, and the Angry Czeck with man boobs.
Burst of Anger #005: What is it about an “R” rating that compels some parents to think, “Junior has to learn about rape and murder someday.”
Burst of Anger #006: Cold-cocked a state senator this morning and stole his Mercedes. Wait. No I didn’t. Crap, my life is boring.
Burst of Anger #007a: Nothing beats sitting alone in a room lit by fluorescents, shirtless, waiting for the dermatologist to judge your moles
Burst of Anger #007b: Lost all my plans and schematics for the bank heist. Now I have to start ALL over. Stupid cleaning crew.
Burst of Anger #008: The worst invention ever? It’s a toss up between the Frisbee™ and wind chimes.
Burst of Anger #009: Mrs. Angry gets vanity sizing. Why can’t Mr. Angry have vanity sizing? “Why look! These size 28 shorts fit just right!”
Burst of Anger #010: Anger refuses to rest on Sunday.
Burst of Anger #011: Allowed a truck into my lane today, but didn’t receive a “Thank you” wave. I’ve been reduced to lesser Seinfeld plots.
Burst of Anger #012: Still rubbing the tear gas out of my eyes after the riot. Wondering what I should do with the stolen police car.
Burst of Anger #013: Got into an argument with Mom. Same old thing. I’m NOT a mercenary. I’m a soldier-of-fortune. There’s a difference.
Burst of Anger #014: This PC thing is getting way out of hand. http://tinyurl.com/ck9va8
Burst of Anger #015: Saw the Roach of Spring today.
Burst of Anger #016: I gots me an Alamo to avenge.
Burst of Anger #017: I should have printed a t-shirt that reads in Spanish: I don’t want a time share.
Burst of Anger #018a: Been in Mexico nearly half-a-week, and still nobody has called me “gringo!” What gives?
Burst of Anger #018b: Nobody wears sombreros in Mexico. I was promised sombreros.
Burst of Anger #019: Zorro is my defeated foe. You are weak, Zorro! WEAK!
Burst of Anger #020: Country Music + “Special Guest Jimmy Buffet” = Hell
Burst of Anger #021: Should have read the fine print on bottle of weed killer: “Will Triple Your Weeds Upon Application.” Now I know.
Burst of Anger #022: Must come up with a cooler defense of luscious chest hair than “Birds never nest in barren tree.”
Burst of Anger #023: is. Wait! Crap! That’s my ultra-witty Facebook update nobody has ever thought of before. Tomorrow: Song lyrics all day!
Burst of Anger #024: Jack Bauer infiltrates American Idol and tortures Paula Abdul for having a “fishy” last name.
Burst of Anger #025: I’m no Encyclopedia Brown, but I suspect that the N. Korean rocket failed to reach space because it wasn’t designed to. [N. Korea Rocket Shooting Edition]
Burst of Anger #026: Spoke with Arkansas State Senator Sydney Soresack today. First time I realized he’s Chinese.
Burst of Anger #027a: Following Newt Gingrich might have been a baaaad idea.
Burst of Anger #027b: Informed homeless dude that I don’t have cash. Was then invited to accompany him to an ATM.
Burst of Anger #028a: Steve Hannah, CEO of The Onion, never heard of Angry Czeck. Surprised. Angry. Deeply hurt. Finally, hungry for tacos.
Burst of Anger #028b: What good is following a porn star when all she twits about is buying a house? I demand cheekiness.
Burst of Anger #029: Jesus 1, Death 0 [Easter Edition]
Burst of Anger #030: Just shat a cinder block.
Burst of Anger #031: Following Jean Claude Van Damme not quite the “kick” I thought it’d be. More like a poorly executed Indian Burn.
Burst of Anger #032: Renting a boat and scuttling some pirates. Which way to Africa?
Burst of Anger #033: Up to 63 (sixty-three) followers. I’m gunning for you, Kutcher. Demi will soon groan the name Angry Czeck!
Burst of Anger #034: Putting Texas on eBay today.
Burst of Anger #035: Parked perfectly in my parking space this morning. I can’t hope to duplicate it. Life’s colors duller from here on.
Burst of Anger #036: Do. Not. Judge. Me. Bathroom. Scale. Damn your sinister numerical eyes!
Burst of Anger #037a: Decided to TinyURL tinyurl.com. Miniaturized half the Internet. Sorry.
Burst of Anger #037b: Broke two of my rules today: parked backwards and wore sandals to work. Three if you count the state senator I killed.
[Apparently skipped #038]
Burst of Anger #039: In five years, you’re gonna be real sorry you ain’t got no more new Grand Ams to drive.
Burst of Anger #040: Swine Flu appears to share many of the symptoms of Wine Flu.
Burst of Anger #041: AngryCzeck.com has just been optioned as a movie starring Rip Torn and directed by Michael Bay.
Burst of Anger #042: Opened up a Can of Whoop Ass. Stale again! Damn you generic Kroger brand Can of Whoop Ass!
Burst of Anger #043: Before news of Hugh Jackman nude scene, Mrs. Anger had no interest in seeing Wolverine. Now she does. Mmm-hmm. I see.
Burst of Anger #044: If you like actors raising their fist to the sky and screaming, “NOOOOOO!” more than once, then you’ll love Wolverine.
Burst of Anger #045: Wife stares at my stomach for a long time. She finally says, “We should go on a gym date.”
Burst of Anger #046: Play my new drinking game – take a shot every time a college basketball player claims his nickname is “The Chosen One”
Burst of Anger #047a: The Official website for National Day of Prayer Task Force offers a Prayer Guide for $8.95: http://tinyurl.com/cgne3r
Burst of Anger #047b: Celebrating National Prayer Day by commemorating Separation of Church and State.
Burst of Anger #048: Humiliated and defeated Kobra Kai today. I showed those arrogant California punks no mercy.
Burst of Anger #049: Once again, another Mother’s Day passes, and Mom fails to give me credit for the easy birth. It takes two to birth, Mom
Burst of Anger #050: Let’s see what the online porn-name generator came up with. “Tiny McSpeedy?” What the hell?
Burst of Anger #051: Okay, let’s see what the online Christian Name Generator comes up with. “Kris?” What the hell?
Burst of Anger #052a: How can “oe” possibly we a word, evil and sinister Scrabble for Facebook application?
Burst of Anger #052b: Took an entire bar of Irish Spring to wash my stomach this morning. Might have to take my gym membership more seriously
Burst of Anger #053: Parked my SUV backwards in a space for Compact Cars Only. Take that, America!
Burst of Anger #054: Had to decline that Supreme Court thing this morning. Sorry, Big O, but I hear good things about that Sonia chick.
Burst of Anger #055: Told Mom that I wanted either Destro, Storm Shadow, or Snake Eyes. She gets me Bazooka. Bazooka! Still mad at Mom.
[ #056 omitted for religious reasons]
Burst of Anger #057: The office is filled with interns, yet I have “phone duty.” What the hell?
Burst of Anger #058a: Wondering if the grass I mowed this weekend was really the twitching legs of spiders.
Burst of Anger #058b: Finally, something to almost be happy about – still no French permitted on the bridge of the USS Enterprise.
Burst of Anger #058c: I may be Big T-Shirt Guy at the pool this summer. Expect to receive nonchalant thumbs-ups from other Big T-Shirt Guys.
Burst of Anger #059: The last 3 bursts of anger have been #58. Excessive levels of awesome can cause lapses in memory and enlarged testes.
Burst of Anger #060: My trainer said “Take fish oil pills. It makes everything slippery.” On a related note, pooped in 8 seconds today.
Burst of Anger #061: Heard that Obama received an authentic, WWII white flag from France during his visit this weekend.
Burst of Anger #062: Totally emasculated by my bastard trainer today. Considering turning in my chest hair and becoming a eunuch.
Burst of Anger #063: Nearly crushed by a crop duster today. Not nearly as Hitchcock-ian as one might think.
Burst of Anger #064a: Racist invades Holocaust Museum. Muslim extremist murders army recruiters. I feel like I’m living a Fox News segment.
Burst of Anger #064b: The peril of twit-following a porn star is that it invites others in the industry to follow you – Confucius, 540 B.C.
Burst of Anger #065: “On the third day, God takes a second look at the budget and begins to quietly cut corners.”
Burst of Anger #066a: Wondering if the Iranians learned to count ballots in Florida. Almost certain I’m not the first to make this joke.
Burst of Anger #066b: Saw that look in my personal trainer’s eye this morning. The look that says, “You big pussy.”
Burst of Anger #067: Personal Trainer, “So, how’s your diet been?”
Burst of Anger #069: The 69th Burst of Anger is coincidental to the publishing of AC’s first (last?) sex post: http://tinyurl.com/plf9jy
Burst of Anger #070: Can’t get Jon Gosslin off my couch. Dude, no more “I hate my wife” stories, please. Trying to eat.
Burst of Anger #071: Must be something about living in a Carolina that makes married politicians horny.
Burst of Anger #072: The Angry Czeck Axis of Evil – Michael Bay, France, and King King Bundy. Don’t discuss.
Burst of Anger #072: Grabbed my own crotch in tribute to Michael Jackson. Hurts, but better idea than having Pepsi set my hair on fire.
Burst of Anger #073: Do NOT type “Billy May” in your update box.
Burst of Anger #074: B. Madoff in Prison, “How would you like to double your cigarettes? Don’t rape me and I’ll tell you how.”
Burst of Anger #075: The most popular search words to The Angry Czeck yesterday? “jessica lange boob” My audience is Mom, Dad, and creeps.
[What? No #076?]
Burst of Anger #077: Wife went to Branson and didn’t return with any items from my list: Grand Am, crystal meth, weird religious conversion
Burst of Anger #078a: I’m feeling small and insecure. Let’s kick Britain’s ass again! [Fourth of July Edition]
Burst of Anger #078b: Celebrating July 3rd by ignoring France’s contribution to the Revolutionary War. Try it. It’s easy!
Burst of Anger #078c: On this day in 1776, the nation would have to wait 198 more years for me to be born.
Burst of Anger #079: Found a biography of GW Bush at the library in the kid’s section. Seemed way too thick.
Burst of Anger #080: I’m no theologian, but I believe that it was Jesus who said, “Kill thy joe, resurrect some mo'”
Burst of Anger #081: I don’t know much about the devil, except that he’s red.
Burst of Anger #082: Nobody died all weekend. [MJ Death Week Edition]
Burst of Anger #082: Nobody asking Sotomeyer if the Supreme Court ever intends to reinstate Pluto as a planet. You fail me again, government
Burst of Anger #083: Just reviewed Anger Bursts #020-075. Think I might have been mailing it in #042 through #061. No refunds.
Burst of Anger #084: Nobody has taken up my offer to scratch my arm pits.
Burst of Anger #085: Nobody told me that my muscles would go away if I stopped working out. Who can I sue?
Burst of Anger #086a: My only hope to lose ten pounds is to get a tape worm. Looking for half-eaten hamburgers in trash tonight.
Burst of Anger #086b: All those moves I mastered in Nintendo Wrestling meant diddly in the Homeless Octagon this morning.
Burst of Anger #087: Dear Mr. Mean Airport Cop Who Put A Parking Ticket Under My Windshield Wiper, I wash my windshield with herpes.
Burst of Anger #088a: I don’t care about Toms Shoes. (There, I said it.) Furthermore, I thought Walter Cronkite died ten years ago.
Burst of Anger #088b: It occurs to me that I spend most my time on Twitter telling you how great I am.
Burst of Anger #089a: I will no longer read anything that begins, “It’s that time of the year again!”
Burst of Anger #089b: Watched a country music video last night. Thought, “Damn, this is a long video.” Turned out it was TWILIGHT.
Burst of Anger #090: Bill Clinton, “What do you think two attractive chicks might be willing to do if I sprung ’em out of Korean prison?”
Burst of Anger #091: To the moron-loser who shot up a bunch of women because he couldn’t get a date: have you tried looking less ugly?
Burst of Anger #092a: Julie & Julia opens tonight. Didn’t they already make Mrs. Doubtfire? Is this Part 2?
Burst of Anger #092b: A-Roid’s pharmacist trumps Big Dopi’s pharmacist last night in New York.
Burst of Anger #093: Told the Chik-Fil-A cashier that she’s gonna be real sorry when Jesus drops by on Sunday and can’t get His chicken.
Burst of Anger #094: A homeless man dared me to scream like a homeless man at a Town Hall Meeting today.
Burst of Anger #095: Dropped by my local Town Hall Meeting to get in a little Judo practice. Hip tossed an old lady.
Burst of Anger #096: Learned that my parents looooove Glenn Beck. Would have rather learned that I was secretly the King of France.
Burst of Anger #097: Add “Prison Girl Uniform” to list of things Mrs. Angry refuses to wear.
Burst of Anger #098a: For the first time ever, I may be interested in seeing Barney Frank in wrestler togs.
Burst of Anger #098b: After seeing what happened to Senator Palpatine, I predict Sara Palin looks like Dick Cheney in four years.
[Inexplicably, there is not Burst of Anger #099]
Burst of Anger #100: I either have St. Elmo’s Fire burning in me, or I ate a tube of Ben Gay.
Yep, so that’s about it. 100 Bursts of Anger. (I’ve committed myself to at least 900 more.) Not exactly Stuff White People Like, but better than the Jay Leno Show, and NBC didn’t pay me a dime.