(Transmission intercepted from a Soviet spy satellite)
DICK: George. Hi. Enough small talk. What are you wearing to the Pope’s funeral?
GEORGE: Uh…how did you get in here, Dick? I’m taking a shit here.
DICK: Answer me, you idiot.
GEORGE: I don’t know! Black suit with a red tie. Maybe my Lance Armstrong bracelet.
DICK: No. You’re wearing a green military parka. One with your name sewn on the front
GEORGE: I don’t think that’s appro—
(15 minutes of slapping)
DICK: I wore a green parka to the Holocaust Anniversary, and it was a smash. I was applauded for using my American patriotism to upstage the death of 10 million Jews. Brilliant strategy by me, Dick Cheney, who never served a minute in the military…clean yourself up, bitch.
GEORGE: Parkas make me look fat.
DICK: Come here. I tell you when you look fat.
GEORGE: Not now, Dick. I have a headache.
DICK: I’ll give you a headache. Now give me what I want.
GEORGE: You mean like last time.
DICK: Stop talking.