Dick Cheney’s Fashion Advice for a Papal Funeral

(Transmission intercepted from a Soviet spy satellite)

DICK: George. Hi. Enough small talk. What are you wearing to the Pope’s funeral?

GEORGE: Uh…how did you get in here, Dick? I’m taking a shit here.

DICK: Answer me, you idiot.

GEORGE: I don’t know! Black suit with a red tie. Maybe my Lance Armstrong bracelet.

DICK: No. You’re wearing a green military parka. One with your name sewn on the front

GEORGE: I don’t think that’s appro—

(15 minutes of slapping)

DICK: I wore a green parka to the Holocaust Anniversary, and it was a smash. I was applauded for using my American patriotism to upstage the death of 10 million Jews. Brilliant strategy by me, Dick Cheney, who never served a minute in the military…clean yourself up, bitch.

GEORGE: Parkas make me look fat.

DICK: Come here. I tell you when you look fat.

GEORGE: Not now, Dick. I have a headache.

DICK: I’ll give you a headache. Now give me what I want.

GEORGE: You mean like last time.

DICK: Stop talking.

FINIS

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