Ha, ha, suckers! I’m on steroids, which makes me better than you. Before steroids, people who weren’t pushing me around were thinking about pushing me around. Not anymore. You should see my arms. Huge! You should see my pecs. Huge! My neck, too. I’m typing this post shirtless because I’m so hot.
So far, the only side effect is that my face looks like Robert Mitchum’s in Rio Bravo. And I’m not sure if I have nuts anymore. But you don’t need nuts when you can bench 380. Yesterday, I lifted a Ford Focus over my head.
I used to be a “little guy.” Can’t call me that now, because I am huge. I will stuff a piano down your throat. I can break your jaw! I’m on steroids, bitch. Feel my muscles!
I’m glad that dickless pansies like doctors and school teachers say steroids are bad. Good! More cattle testosterone for me, sucker. I’ll take your girlfriend and make her mine. She will like it. You don’t like it? I think that’s cute. Come here and do something about it.
Steroids are the best goddamn thing that ever happened to me. People respect me now. Especially when I’m punching holes in their windshields, or when I’m sweating on their lunch. My resting heart rate is 220.
Mark McGwire is a pussy. He should have told the congressional committee, “Fuck yeah, I took steroids. I’m on steroids right now, bitch. I hit 500 fucking home runs. And I banged your wife. I will tear your head off and drink all your blood!”
Ralphael Palmerio is a pussy. Any man who admits to taking Viagra® but not steroids doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air trapped inside Ken Caminitti’s dead armpit. Get your finger out of my grill, Ralphy. Canseco’s syringe wasn’t the only thing he was sticking in your butt.
Sammy Sosa is a pussy. He pretends he can’t speak English, but I bet he knows how to say, “Now the other cheek, Mr. Canseco.” I think his dick is full of cork.
Hell yeah, I’m on steroids. I love them. I eat them like Flintstones. That’s why I’m breaking bricks between my ass cheeks while you feel your man-breasts bouncing when climbing a flight of stairs. You think I can’t kick everybody’s ass on that congressional committee? They tremble before my power. Pussy committee is more like it.
If it weren’t for steroids, this post would be over by now. Steroids grant me the stamina to write longer. Harder. With more penetration. How do you like it, ma’am? You like that, don’t you?
You know that shit that makes cows grow bigger steaks? That shit works, man. My neck went from a size 16 to a size 22 with three injections. If you don’t believe me, witness the awesome veins bulging from my Adam’s apple when I chew bubblegum. I’m a monster!
Don’t think you want to do steroids, kids? You will if you want to make varsity. You will if you want girls to talk to you. You will if you want to make that smart ass little shit in Geometry II toss your salad. You think that squirrely English teacher will dare flunk you when you’re head-butting holes in his chalkboard? I don’t think so.
I got go get my chest waxed. You better be here when I get back, or God help me, I’ll twist your fucking arms off. XOXO.