Remember when the United States attacked Iraq a couple years ago?
It was wild, man. W pulled out all the stops. First, W used the State of the Union Address to proclaim Iraq the worst in a trio of evil, a brilliant masterstroke that totally cornered the concept of evil as “anti-American.” Next, he forced a miserable Colin Powell to pawn satellite photos of a trailer park as “evidence of a nuclear program.” Poor Colin. He had his best “I-Involuntarily-Ejaculated-During-My-Prostate-Exam” Face going. Finally, when the ignorant UN inexplicably decided to consider hard evidence rather than W’s Christian Intuition, W said “fuck you” and deployed his troops anyway. The French screamed.
the nuclear centerfuge in picture 3A”
Of course, savvy Democrats knew that Fuck Iraq II was less about nukes and more about oil. Insane Democrats broke out the Blood For Oil signs left over from Fuck Iraq I, and soon the Vegas odds on Don Rumsfield cold-cocking a Daily News reporter were about even money.
Eventually, it was learned that the evidence of WMDs was really just a secret list of adult toys Newt Gingrich left in his trousers pocket, and the cries of Blood for Oil grew shriller.
And I was pissed off, man. W lied to us. He LIED. He blamed his CIA Director George “Bent-Over” Tenet for providing “bad information.” But that’s it. W shrugged his shoulders without even saying, “whoops!” Even when a UN report revealed that Iraq hadn’t sported a nuclear program since Fuck Iraq I, W didn’t even flinch. He did, however, use the Patriot Act to secret away American Arabs to Cuba. At least we had that going.
But one fact prevented me from sending a box of sperm to Dick Cheney, and that was the sweet, sweet anticipation of cheap gas. I reasoned that if 1000-plus American soldiers had to die occupying Iraq, then at least we ought to be pumping Arabian crude at 30 cents a gallon, right? Right?
See, here’s the thing: Democrats are emotional teenage girls. You ask a Democrat why he despises W, and 9 times out of 10, this is the thoughtful response: “Because he’s a dumb-ass!”
Sure, technically this argument holds water because I happen to own a couple brass bookends with a higher IQ than our President. Yet the Democrats aren’t going to win elections when the core political base is driving around 1992 Nissan Sentras with an “F the President” sticker on the rear window. Or writing blogs.
It was never about oil. The Saudis have the oil. I love the Saudis. They own the most fucked up nation in the Middle East, yet they have an open invitation to visit the White House. Nine out of ten 9-11 terrorists were Saudis. When an investigation into 9-11 was conducted, nearly 20 documents were censored from public view. It is believed that those documents implicate Saudi Arabia. The sheiks pretend to be concerned, yet do nothing.
Why don’t we apply more pressure on Saudi Arabia to improve human rights (like we do with China)? How come we fucked Iraq’s shit instead of making Saudi Arabia the 52nd state (Canada, of course, is 51)? Why are smiling Saudi princes still making more appearances at the White House than W’s reading-and-spelling coach?
Because Saudi Arabians understand better than anybody that while Americans continue to buy hulked up SUVs, they know that power lies with the gas. Think W doesn’t know this? He’s an oilman. Do you think he wants more solar powered cars? Do you believe he’s applauding the increasing popularity of hybrid cars (which currently represent 1 miserable percent of the total number of new cars purchased in 2004)? Nope. That might not sit well with our ally the Saudi Arabians, chief exporter of oil, headless bodies and terrorists.
I can’t wait for the day when some lucky fucker discovers a way to make cars run on Bermuda grass or Swiss cheese. Can you imagine how the Saudi oil barons would look when the news hit CNN? They’d have the Colin Powell face. Every last motherfucking one of them.
Except it would never be allowed to happen. The genius who builds the Swiss Cheese Combusting Engine would die in a mysterious car wreck. The patent for the design would be purchased by a conglomerate and become buried in a Raiders of the Lost Ark-like warehouse.
You think a billion dollar business evaporates because some happy asshole invents a cleaner, cheaper and more sensible solution? Is this the reason why the evolution of transportation has stymied to a crawl since Henry Ford put the Model T into mass production? After all, the only difference between a Henry Ford engine and a modern Ford engine is that it requires more gas.
To sum up, Fuck Iraq II has yielded nothing for us. Nothing. We still have terrorists. We still have a seething Middle East. And in return, we have dead American soldiers, the unpatriotic Patriot Act and gas prices that make my wallet scream. How will Democrats respond to this in 2008?
Like dumb asses.