Research Reveals Atheists are More Annoying Than Christians

One day, I was watching the evening news with a relative of mine, when we were updated with the latest report of a particularly destructive Georgian tornado. One survivor, a middle-aged woman who had lost everything in the storm, was in the process of thanking God for sparing her life.

My relative shouted at top volume, “Go ahead! Pray to God! Where’s your God now!?”

Granted, it’s a pretty legitimate statement to make, if incredibly insensitive and entirely too loud. A tornado had descended from the heavens and reduced the woman’s home to a pile of broken Tinker Toys. Real life of Job stuff, if you ask the Angry Czeck. Seems like fist pumping and curses were more appropriate than thanks.

The problem with many atheists is that they take God’s apparent disinterest with mankind as hard evidence that a higher power is not in command. An atheist sees a world conspicuously short of miracles and draws the elementary conclusion that a world without miracles is a world without God.

Fair enough. It’s a good argument. But it is the atheists’ only argument, and when you only have one argument, you tend to repeat the argument over and over again, at increasing volume. When an atheist screams so loudly, nothing else can be heard, he or she almost always declares victory.

Sadly, The Angry Czeck is related to this guy.

That is not to say Christians are not without annoying twists of logic. Only a Christian can make a weakness, such as a lack of divine evidence, and make it into a cornerstone of faith. For example, if my atheist relative grabbed the tornado lady and personally delivered his high-volume message, no doubt Tornado Lady would have replied, “God works in mysterious ways.”

The Mysterious Ways argument is the biggest pussy argument going today. Not because it is vague and leaves God off the hook, but because it’s usually delivered with such smug conviction, you just want the specter of Robert Mitchum to appear with a bag full of bitch-slaps.

You know, serial killers work in mysterious ways. Nobody prays to Ted Bundy.

But what kills me about atheists is the narrow-minded self-righteousness.

Believe me, nobody finds the fish icon on automobiles more obnoxious than me. I mean, what is that icon supposed to say? “I merge for Christains?” Do you enhance the Blue Book value of a Dodge Shadow if you slap a fish icon on the bumper? Christians tend to imagine themselves as part of a big club. So I suppose the fish icon is no less pretentious then, say, a bumper sticker that screams, “Give Blood. Play Rugby.” At least, that’s how I’ve justified it, and it prevents me from running Fish Drivers off the road.

But the atheist can’t leave it alone. The fish icon, as annoying as it may be, is not an attack. Yet, atheist felt compelled to strike back with the Darwin Fish (a fish with legs). How insulting. It implies that either a) if you’re a Christian, then you must be a backwards Creationists, or b) you’re just a big fan of On the Origin of Species.

Annoying, yes. Pompous, you bet. Threatening? No.

If you think somebody delivers the Mysterious Ways argument with smug conviction, imagine the look on the atheist’s face when he’s slapping the Darwin Fish on the trunk of his Ford Focus. “Take that, religious nuts!”

Now that’s just damn rude.

Nothing riles an atheist’s rancor more than the threat of prayer in school. The Angry Czeck is a big fan of the seperation of church and state. But if a high school in Texas wants to broadcast a prayer before a football game, who the fuck gets hurt? A religious minority (Muslim? Jew?) Atheists? Listen, I can’t even send a Christmas card anymore. (I send ‘Holiday’ cards today.) Now a simple prayer is off limits? If my Jewish and Muslim brethren would like to join me in their particular brand of prayer, the Angry Czeck embraces them.

Atheists chose this battleground because, well, what the hell, right? There’s a man in California, a lawyer, who has decided to increase his own notoriety by throwing his daughter beneath a school bus and claiming that the current configuration of the Pledge of Allegiance has caused her irreparable harm. She’s been emotionally scarred, see, because the Pledge asserts than we live in a Nation under God, and she’s an atheist.

I don’t know how old this girl is, but is she really old enough to discount the existence of a spiritual being? No more than I was mature enough to make Catholicism my belief-brand of choice, I suppose. But at least I was railroaded in private. This man not only adheres his personal views onto his daughter (something we all do, like it or not), he decides to drag her life through the mud with a totally needless piece of legal shitigation. What a dickhead.

Christians are often called out for a high-and-mighty attitude, and not without reason. For many people of faith, pressing personal religious values upon others earns them a spiritual merit badge and a magnetic keycard that opens the pearly gates. Too many times, faith interferes with a quiet lunch or even a midnight trip to the porn theater.

Atheists are just as bad, though. But rather than using picket lines and poorly printed pamphlets, atheists communicate through Hollywood, which finds atheism to be a trendy validation of their sponsorship of violence and vice. In Hollywood, the only religious people who appear on screen are the fanatics with bombs, or the Southern senator with a misguided moral axe to grind. When Mel Gibson makes a Jesus movie, and not a movie where he’s shooting people, he’s a zealot. A religious nut. Some even called him a Nazi. (Unlike many of the people who denounced Gibson as anti-Semitic, I actually saw The Passion of the Christ, you pussies. Yes, it was a bloody snuff film. Yes it was oddly moving and spiritually stirring. But I did not come away feeling that the film was an attack against Jews. True, some Jewish priests were the bad guys. Movies have bad guys. I guess if the bad guys are Jewish, it’s anti-Semitic, much in the way Basic Instinct is anti-gay. But lets say Gibson made a movie about a coven of priests who raped alter boys. Nobody would complain then. That’s entertainment.)

We’re more comfortable with this side of Mel.

My point, I think, is that fanatics are found on both sides of the spiritual fence, and neither do well in promoting their own agendas. Many of today’s Christians are embolden by the presence of a Jesus-guy in the White House, calling for the heads of liberal federal judges and titty-twisting Democrats into rethinking their stance on abortion and gay rights. That will backfire. In the end, it doesn’t matter what kind of faith you have, Americans don’t cotton to bullies. Christians, long vilified in the news and in Hollywood, are getting cocky, and pretty soon they will be re-portrayed as the abortion doctor killing, backwards crazies atheists have always claimed them to be.

Meanwhile, atheists will continue to make pompous statements like, “Do you have any idea how many wars have been waged in the name of religion?” I don’t. And neither do you.

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4 responses to “Research Reveals Atheists are More Annoying Than Christians

  1. Your comment about religious wars does have an answer: all of them. Not an athiest pronouncement, just a fact of history.

  2. You’re related to a professional wrestler?

  3. are you really related to E.G. Robinson?Why you not linkin me on your blog fool? I’m a loyal reader!

  4. How many wars have been waged in the name of religion? How about, “how many wars have been waged in the name of oil?” the crusades were about religion, everything else was about money..

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