Go Fuck Yourself: A Primer to a Democratic White House

I recently read that John Edwards is quietly engineering his platform for the 2008 Presidential Race. When Edwards ran in 2004, I embraced him as the future of the Democratic Party, even though I knew very little about the one-term Senator from…er…from somewhere.

Edwards doesn’t need a platform. He doesn’t even need strategy. All Edwards must do is remind forgetful Americans that the eight years of W rule has been wrought with lies, quarter-truths, misconceptions, under-estimations, and gross displays of negligence. And he should skewer his Republican counterparts with their own ill-conceived words.

Edwards, seen here on the right, getting his ass kicked.

If the Angry Czeck were like most Democrats, there would be no real solution after the before mentioned insight — just a pompous pronouncement, followed by the predictable lamentations. Fortunately, The Angry Czeck is equal parts lamentation and solution! What follows are actually quotes that Americans should never forget, and that Edwards should exploit:

The Angry Czeck suspects that “WMD” was invented for Bush in response to the President’s refusal to properly pronounce ‘nuclear.’ (By the way, when did we become such grammar snobs, anyway? Who hasn’t mispronounced nuclear? The Angry Czeck recommends that we all let this go.) This tidy display of phonetic problem-solving was most effective in spearheading the war effort. Because there was no evidence of nuclear warheads in Iraq, the Bush Administration had to think of something for the media to latch onto. Before W’s pitch to make Iraq the New Puerto Rico, nobody had ever heard of a WMD. But the nicely compact descriptor made us rethink. Suddenly, the threat of WMDs became THE MAIN REASON THE AMERICAN PUBLIC SIGNED OFF ON INVADING IRAQ. (Defenders of the war will maintain that WMDs was never the main objective, but securing the world against terrorism was. That’s complete bullshit worthy of a separate post.) Any time a doubt was raised, Rumsfield only had to grunt “WMD” (and sometimes “unpatriotic” for good measure) to cement the chastised media silence W prefers. Of course, there were no WMDs. It was a little embarrassing, like breaking down a door thinking you’ll find your wife sleeping with the plumber, only to rediscover the closet where you had stored all your girl-on-girl porn instead. Fortunately, a patsy in the form of CIA Director George Tenet was available to take the fall.

“Even though the 9/11 guys were Saudis…how can I stay mad at you?
Come here and kiss me!”

“The violence in Iraq is caused by a small group of dead-enders.”
Every now and again, Rumsfield’s brilliant assessment of the insurgency in Iraq is mentioned by the more bitter members of the media, but not enough. The public likes the cranky Donald Rumsfield because he “tells it like it is!” But Rummy’s “Shut-Your-Pansy-Anti-American-Mouths” response to the rising body count should have sealed his credentials as a complete liar. Nope. Americans love a curmudgeon who knows how to put the press in their place. The Battle of Fullujah or the most recent firefight (Operation Matador) wasn’t enough to convince some people that an organized rebellion is currently operating inside Iraq. And disbanding the trained Iraqi army only supplied recruits. But don’t worry, American GIs. It’s just a loose, drunken group of unemployed Syrians who are systematically suicide bombing Iraqi police recruitment stations and military checkpoints. Just a bunch of losers with too much spare TNT to detonate. We won’t even need body bags in a couple months. You just watch.

“Now, you keep asking questions, and you might be getting a sudden
vacation to Cuba. You follow?”

“Bring them on.”
The Mighty W chalked-up this carelessly brazen statement as an attempt at a morale boost for our fighting men and women. Nice boost. For the insurgents, whose ultra-macho culture can’t dismiss a direct challenge from the mastermind of the infidels. I’m sure US soldiers appreciated W shaking the hornet’s next for them. The Angry Czeck enjoyed the White House PR spin: it’s better for our well-equipped army to handle the terrorists (i.e. dead-enders) than fighting them on our Homeland (‘Homeland?’ When did we start speaking like characters from Dr. Zhivago?) But Bush must know what he’s doing. After all, he fought in Vietnam, so he understands exactly what it’s like to be shot at.

“For the love of Allah, we shall bring it on!”

“Slam dunk”
Ascribed to the insanely loyal George Tenet, the W Administration can’t watch the NBA playoffs without cringing at the commentary. They should be cringing from kicks to the nuts administered by the Angry Czeck. The case for attacking Iraq was less a slam-dunk and more like a behind-the-back pot shot from the rafters. Every time a Republican starts talking about any policy, Edwards should calmly reply, “Really? Would you say obliterating social security is…a slam dunk?”

“The people of Iraq will welcome the United States as liberators.”
Possibly realizing that the American public would not take being lied to about WMDs very well, the White House immediately concocted an amazing fiction in which American soldiers would be treated like heroes upon liberating Iraq. Sure, the Iraqi nuclear program might have consisted of a Yard Jart set and a diagram of Ralph Nadar’s pants, but at least we’re LIBERATORS. Only, somebody forgot to tell the Iraqis. Some people still can’t understand how the brilliant Cheney and Rummy could be so far off the mark, but I’ll explain. I live in Knoxville. Let’s say there was some guy in Knoxville who randomly cold cocked people for ten years. Suddenly, a guy from Nashville appears and whips the Knoxville bully. We’re all glad that the bully is gone, but it’s a little unnerving to see a guy from Knoxville so easily thrashed by a guy from Nashville. In addition, now the Nashville guy wants a parade, and a key to the city that just happens to double as the key to the treasury. Pretty soon, the Nashville guy is knocking up our daughters, and just lately, randomly cold cocking people. Eventually, you’re like “If we’re going to have a bully seducing our women, at least let’s have one from Knoxville.” Hopefully, that explains everything.

“Mission Accomplished”
This is a memo The Angry Czeck recently intercepted from the White House: “Dear Navy. Thanks, Navy, for risking your life for my baseless war. And thanks for letting me strut around your flight deck wearing a military outfit while real soldiers were getting blasted by a small group of dead-enders. And by the way, fuck you for putting of the sign we told you to put up. Don’t tell Newsweek that the sign was actually printed by the White House printing press. That would make it seem like it was authorized by the White House. Signed, W”

“The sign should actually read, ‘Mission Accomplished on Bizarro Earth!’”

“Being the President is hard. It’s hard.”
W’s strategy of not preparing for a nationally televised debate unearthed this gem when he was confronted with some of his more questionable policies towards Iraq. What a condescending prick. Did he think that the American public would sympathize? Did he feel that you and I would pity the most vacation-taking president in US history? Hey, moron, we voted for you because the job is hard. Not so you could pass the buck to George Tenet. Not so you can shrug your shoulders every time a US soldier is killed, or thumb your nose at another UN report that underscores the galling lack of any evidence to mount such a destructive attack. Yeah, it’s hard. So is patrolling the streets of Bahgdad after your Commander in Chief has invited gun-toting, suicide bombers to “bring it on.” Not that you’d know, asshole. You’re too busy trying to recreate photo ops that Ronald Regan did better than you 20 years ago. Let’s face it, W. You ain’t got the chops for the job. You never did. You never will. And we’re suffering.

“Nobody’s mentioned Haliburton in months,
thanks to my gay daughter.”

“Go fuck yourself.”
Actually, I kind of liked that one. Well said. You go, Dick Cheney. That will be the Angry Czeck’s response when drafted by the military.


One response to “Go Fuck Yourself: A Primer to a Democratic White House

  1. well said.

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