Dick Cheney’s Advice for a Global Warming Summit

(Transmission intercepted by a Russian spy satellite)

DICK: Good morning, George. Enough chit-chat. Let’s get down to brass tacks!

GEORGE: Dick? What are you doing in here? I’m trying to make love to my wife!

DICK: Shut up. Put a pillow over her head. I don’t want her hearing this.


DICK: What are you going to say at the G8 Conference next month?

GEORGE: Well, I don’t know. I guess I plan to pledge support to whatever mandates our scientific community recommends in an effort to stymie the worldwide effect of global warming.

DICK: Wrong. You’re going to tell those pinheads that there’s no such thing as global warming.

GEORGE: But evidence points to the contrary.

DICK: Evidence? The United States says global warming is an ecoterrorist fiction invented to undermine big business. That’s enough evidence for me.

GEORGE: Oh. Okay.

DICK: Okay is right, you idiot. Furthermore, our new policy is to totally disavow any accepted state or condition adopted by these so-called “scientists.”

GEORGE: Oh, God! Like what?

DICK: The earth is not round, it’s flat like a nickel. Babies are made by magic dust sprinkled by God. Houseflies are created from dead hamburger meat. Solar energy is useful only for pocket calculators. If you can’t see something, then it must not exist. The sun is the size of a basketball. You can bend a spoon just by praying at it. The moon is made out of green cheese. The world is only five or six hundred years old. Dinosaur bones are actually oddly shaped rocks. You can remove a wart by having sex with a monkey. You can eat a cloud like cotton candy. There is no such thing as atoms. Commit this list to memory in time for the G8 Conference.

GEORGE: That seems like an awful long –

(The sound of fifteen minutes of bitch slapping)

DICK: We’ll teach those “learned” pansies not to fuck with the USA! Clean yourself up, you moron.

GEORGE: I think I’ll eat some clouds for breakfast.

DICK: That’s the spirit. Now get off your wife. It’s my turn.



One response to “Dick Cheney’s Advice for a Global Warming Summit

  1. Nice work! Although you made “W” a lot more coherent than he really is.

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