NOTE: It’s long. It’s powerful. It’s penetrating. And it will keep you in the bathroom for at least 10 minutes. It is the First Annual Angry Czeck’s Year Under Bitter Scrutiny, and I spent about three billable hours writing the damn thing, so prepare yourself for extra run-on sentences, awkward segues, poorly conceived ideas, allusions to sexual deviance, and curse words. You’ve been warned. And hissed at. – AC
It was right here on the red-hot pages of the Angry Czeck where you first gained intimate insight to the terrible, monkey-munching saga of the incredible St. James Davis. You will be delighted to know that the mighty St. James has emerged from his medically induced coma, and is now back at home with his uni-thumbed wife, LaDonna. A recent interview with ABC News revealed that the heroic St. James took on the flesh-chomping chimps for FIFTEEN MINUTES! A horrified LaDonna “looked on” as her husband’s face, feet, and nuts were destroyed in a crazy-monkey frenzy. If the Angry Czeck were St. James, I’d consider tossing LaDonna in a pit full of maniac monkeys for fifteen minutes. Shit, woman! Grab a stick or a rock or something! Your husband’s getting his dick gnawed off by monkeys!
But never mind the betrayal of St. James Davis. Let us now focus on the redemption of France! Recently, some nutty French doctors sewed a new face on a woman who had been savagely attacked by her own dog. The face transplant was, according to sources you can’t trust because they are French, a big fat success. Who deserves a face transplant more than St. James Davis? And while you’re at it, France, why not toss in a new face for Teri Hatcher, too, because she looks like Roy Schieder now.
I was tallying up the successes of the Bush Administration for 2005, but I didn’t have any anti-matter fingers to count them on. (See? Anti-matter fingers are the opposite of matter fingers, and since the Bush Administration have no successes, but lots and lots of failures, then the science of my little joke makes a lot of sense, no?) Really, does anybody feel good about our government in 2005? Can we really say that our “elected” officials did a bang up job this year? I mean, when they’re not answering subpoenas or resigning under pressure, they spend a lot of time nominating nimrods for the Supreme Court and explaining why an Arabian horse expert is in charge of the nation’s emergency relief efforts.
It will hurt.”
Remember when Bush received his second term in office? The Angry Czeck actually had high hopes for the least intelligent president in 100 years, because the opportunity for success was in place. The military had unearthed Hussein. The economy was making a comeback. And, to tell you the truth, not even Democrats were looking forward to four years of John Kerry’s condescending lectures. The Nation’s once sullied field was fertile again for growth and optimism, so naturally the Bush Administration saw an opportunity to fuck everything up.
Let’s talk about gas for a paragraph. Every time I fill the Angermobile, it costs the Angry Czeck at least thirty rocks. I drive a four-cylinder Honda. I’m no Scooter Libby, but I was under the impression that we made Iraq the 52nd state to a) to locate and destroy imaginary nuclear weapons, and b) secure ten more years of cheap gas. Don’t tell me “b” was not on the agenda, because if you were going to rationalize killing off thousands of American troops, it had better be for a tangible result. We better get a little return on the investment. Because if we’re not doing it for the nukes, if we’re not doing it to bring peace to a volatile region that doesn’t deserve freedom and democracy, then damnitt I want cheap gas. Not only did we not get our cheap gas, but we peons got to watch wealthy American oil companies earn their highest profits ever. So I don’t get it. We’re paying record prices at the pump, and the oil companies are receiving record profits? The only way I can add that up is that the oil companies’ costs are not rising in proportion to the price they are charging to its consumers. If anybody can explain the math to me, please post an angry (but educational) response to this essay.
Is it just me, or is nominating Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court the ultimate “Fuck You” to America? Is Bush so arrogant that he believed that the American people would simply bend over and accept a shamelessly mooning groupie as an equal to the brightest legal minds in the land? I’m not saying this just because I’m uninformed and I dislike the President’s horrible administration. The Angry Czeck just intercepted a transmission for a Soviet spy satellite. I even wrote up a transcript for you:
(Transmission intercepted by a Soviet spy satellite; The Oval Office, October 2005)
CHENEY: Put your pants back on and quit fucking that marble bust of Dan Quayle. We’ve got work to do!
BUSH: Uh…Little Danny? Daddy will be back as soon as he’s finished with Uncle Dick. Er, Dick. I’m a little busy here.
CHENEY: Shut up. We have to nominate another Supreme Court justice.
BUSH: Again? Being President is hard! Why don’t we just nominate another smart and likable guy like John Roberts?
CHENEY: You idiot. Everybody likes John Roberts, that’s why we don’t!
BUSH: Oh. Well, you’re in charge.
CHENEY: Damn right. Now listen good. You know that lady who keeps sending you her underwear? We’re nominating her to the Supreme Court?
BUSH: Harriet? Oh God! Laura isn’t going to like that one bit!
CHENEY: Shut up. We’re nominating Meirs as a litmus test to gauge just how stupid the American people really are. Scooter, Rummy and I have already created a betting pool. You’re in for $5 that she’s nominated without even a hearing.
BUSH: Why, Dick? Why?
CHENEY: She’s a woman! She’s three feet tall! She cried during a Dallas City Council meeting after fighting for minority voting rights! Hollywood will love her!
BUSH: I mean, why are we toying with the American people? Who are we to nominate cronies into positions of power that will influence legal policy in this nation for a generation? Why abuse a system already made fragile by an administration infamous for making poor choices and filling public posts with unqualified frat boys?
(Fifteen minutes of smack-down)
CHENEY: We’re in charge here, George. And that means we can doing anything we want! When Jeb assumes power in 2008, it’ll be more of the same, and our Alliance with Satan will yield another eight years of public paranoia, crippling military spending, questionable foreign policy and more incredible profits for my buddies. HA HA HA HAHA HAAAAA! Wipe your face, George. You’re grossing me out.
BUSH: I want to wear a necktie make out of licorice!
CHENEY: Super. I’m going to go take a shit. Open your mouth.
(End of transmission)
This year, the Angry Czeck was informed by his taskmasters that health insurance premiums were increasing by a nut-shrinking 20%. Not a mildly irritating 5%. Not a crippling 10%. Twenty-fucking-percent. Tell me this is not a tax on the poor. I’m not pulling down poverty wages by any stretch of the imagination, but 20% is a significant chunk out of my paycheck. I’m thinking “so-long, 401K!” I can’t imagine how the junior-level employees around here are going to eat that 20%, which is exactly the same amount the highest paid employee here has to pay. Maybe if they ignore that purple lump bulging out of their prostate, they won’t have to pay the massive deductible necessary to have it removed. Remember, this was a key issue in the 2004 presidential elections. The Angry Czeck was fooled into believing that skyrocketing health costs was high on the President’s agenda. Since Bush was re-elected, his only focus is to insert stooges into positions of supreme power and imagine ways for Dick Cheney to suddenly transmogrify into a handsome set of brass bookends. The Angry Czeck is no communist, but it has become painfully obvious that free enterprise is making heath care assessable to only the wealthiest Americans. I’m ready to entertain a socialist model for heath care reform, just so I can afford to be sick every once and awhile.
What happened to Social Security Reform, Mr. President? I seem to recall several “spontaneous” “town meetings” where “you” “sat down” with “real life” “old fogeys” who were “excited” by “your” “plan” to destroy Social Security as we know it today. I even remember being begrudgingly pleased when you called upon the House and Senate to forget party lines and hammer into submission a plan that worked. I even applauded you openly when you credited, among others, Bill Clinton for setting the social security movement into motion. I guess hurricanes, administration scandal and imaginary nukes put that all on the back-burner, huh?
Man, didn’t Bush sound like a Democrat during his speech in New Orleans after Katrina? Wow, he was tossing dollars like Mardi Gras beads. New schools! New jobs! New buildings! New dikes! New trillion dollar anal vibrators! Maybe Bush is going to ask Dick Cheney to ask his pal Mr. Oil Company to apply some of those record profits to funding all this new stuff, plus the money-draining occupation in Iraq. By the way, I’m actually giving you credit for owning up to the Katrina debacle, Bush. For the first time ever, you assumed responsibility. Funny that it wasn’t until Hurricane Rita threatened your own home state before you finally leaped into action. Of course, why should you care if New Orleans got wiped out? It wasn’t like anybody was voting Republican in the 9th District anyway.
It’s a good thing the United States took the lead in key environmental issues, or we’d have to rely on the French to save us. Aw, fuck! I forgot! We’re the nation that doesn’t believe in global warming, in addition to evolution.
Speaking of evolution, everybody I know is perplexed that Intelligent Design is gaining support among school boards. The Angry Czeck is not surprised at all. First of all, we’re the nation who elected George Bush, so don’t underestimate the bizarre nature of our collective thinking. Secondly, I think many would be surprised how few people believe in evolution and natural selection. A Newsweek poll revealed that 55% of Americans don’t believe in evolution. Forget the evidence. Ignore the fossil record! The Earth ain’t no more than 4000 years old, and no funny, bone-shaped rocks is going to tell me otherwise! I love how Creationists are trying to sneak in Intelligent Design as science on par with evolution. But here’s the difference: Evolution, though still a theory, is supported by hard evidence. Intelligent Design is simply saying, “Hey, this science shit is so damn hard, a higher intelligence (i.e. God) must have waved His hand and presto-ed it into being! Case closed! Now let’s talk about how we get the AIDs from sitting on gay toilet seats!”
Speaking of gay toilet seats, I guess France isn’t the utopia left-wing nuts would have us all to believe. Sure, every Frenchman is entitled to 300 days of vacation per year, and yes they rejected Disneyland for being putrid and garish, but hey! Look! They have racial issues and even ugly riots…JUST LIKE US! Maybe France isn’t perfect after all. Remember all the morons who claimed they were renouncing American citizenship and moving to France after Bush was re-elected? Firstly, shame on you for giving up on the best country in the world. I’m not being some patriotic robot. I write something mean about this country’s president at least twice a month and post it for the public to read, and NOBODY has arrested me or censored my site. If you think you can find a better country to live in than the United States, then please show me. I’m applying right now. And if you say something like, “What about Switzerland,” ask yourself, “When was the last time something important came out of fucking Switzerland? I mean, since dynamite?” Meanwhile, instead of puffing up and applying for visas, why not stick with your country and work to make it better? Here’s a wild idea: vote. Yeah, I’m talking to you. The hypocrite who bitches about Bush but won’t get up to exercise the most basic right of freedom in voting is the reason why we’re all enjoying a forced anal iron dildo-ing today. Unlike Democrats, Republicans vote. They say, “Hey! Restricting a woman’s right to abortion, inserting religion into public schools and increasing the wealth of soulless corporations is important to me! I’m going to vote!” Meanwhile, we Democrats are slapping obscene stickers on our cars and sleeping through hangovers on Election Day. On second thought, please move to France, you non-voting fuckers.
Terri Shivo is dead. You remember her? Vegetative state. Husband that wanted to move on with his life. Parents who loved her so much they couldn’t bare to let go. A governor with a relative in the White House who decided to make her agonizing life his platform for President in 2008. A senator with a medical degree who diagnosed her on television, then claimed he didn’t. Remember Terri Shivo? Governor Jeb Bush (our next President) ordered an autopsy, claiming investigators might find evidence of foul play. Die-hard Catholics applauded. Meanwhile, his State of Florida was waging a neck-and-neck race with the State of Texas to see which could electrocute the most death row inmates. The autopsy revealed that her vegetative state had left her with a brain shrunk to the size of an orange. Oh. Nevermind.
Hail President Jeb!
Us Catholics got ourselves a new Pope. The old Pope was too radical, so we got ourselves a stricter Pope. A Pope who meant business. A Pope who didn’t look good on TV and didn’t know how to ski, but did wear really expensive loafers. The new Pope said, “Okay, we’re serious now! No more gays!” Immediately, ¾ of U.S. priests resigned. Just kidding. Please don’t excommunicate me. I’d hate to line up for Communion one Sunday only for Father O’Staggers to say, “I’m sorry, sir. You’ve been excommunicated. The alter boy will throw you out now.”
A girl from Alabama disappeared in Aruba this summer, and the entire nation was treated to a day-by-day account of the investigation. Day 28, the police were still looking. Day 76, the police were still looking. Day 121, the police were still looking. CNN interviewed every member of the girl’s family, and here’s what they said, “Those Aruba police people need to get their heads out of their asses.” Dr. Phil told Oprah that there’s evidence to believe that the girl was still alive. Good thing Dr. Phil is on the case. No word yet as to whether on not Encyclopedia Brown has been brought into the investigation.
Everybody is wondering who the Democrats are going to cough up to run for President in 2008. The leading names are Hillary Clinton and John Edwards. Great. We could cast a vote for Hillary, who has somehow convinced the world she’s from New York and not Arkansas, and who’s position on everything is a mystery except for the War in Iraq, which she does not oppose. Or, we can vote for Edwards, who had his ass handed to him by an elderly and evil man with a bad heart on national TV. The Angry Czeck looks forward to explaining to foreigners that our President’s name is “Jeb.”
You know who just died? Mr. MacGee! The reporter who was hunting for the Incredible Hulk! Mr. MacGee could never quite snap that picture to prove that the Hulk existed. He eventually gave up and took a job with the New York Times. His last assignment was to uncover evidence of a nuclear program in Iraq.
Anybody been keeping up with the Hussein trial? Yesterday, he told the judge to “Go to hell!” Ha! Funny little ex-dictator man! When he arrives in the courtroom, they make him sit in a big steel cage. He should get up every now and then and try to bend apart the steel bars and shout, “Look how strong I am! You are nothing! Go to hell!” I’m waiting for Abu to show up on the witness stand and say, “Saddam is a very bad man. Very bad.”
I’m hoping that 2006 is a better year than 2005. I’d like to see gas at around a buck-ten. I know we can’t just pull out of Iraq because, well…we just can’t. But maybe 2006 will present an excuse for us to at least think about getting out. Like maybe we’ll execute Hussein and then we can shrug our shoulders and go, “Okay, Iraq. Can you take it from here?” In 2006, I’d like my insurance premiums to drop by 30%. I’d like to see fewer Hollywood movies about two young, kooky people falling in love despite all odds. I’d like less Oprah and less of the protest lady who camps on George Bush’s lawn. I’d like to lose about 15 pounds. Mostly, I wish us all good luck, because 2005 made me feel a little nervous. Edgy. The American system that inspired the world is falling apart a little, and I don’t want that to happen. I want a chance to earn a million dollars. I want to be approached to do a half-hour reality show. I want to visit foreign countries without defending American policies to agitated locals. I want to see us taking the lead on social and environmental issues, and I want to feel proud again. I do not want us to become the Nation that Permits Torture, secret prisons, and the erosion of personal rights. We live in a country that was founded on high ideals. If you study guys like Jefferson, Adams, Washington and Franklin, you learn that the country we live in was forged by imaginative, progressive and radical thinking. As a result, we became the country that set the example for others to follow. We’re in danger of losing that. It’s more precious than too many of us think. And if we lose it, then there is always France.