After viewing the Academy Awards last evening, The Angry Czeck has a heartfelt message for the humorless, self-important, out-of-touch, didactic, patronizing, blowhards in somber attendance:
You are all nothing but dancing monkeys! Amuse me, Oscar Monkeys!
The Angry Czeck does give high marks to host Jon Stewart, who at least called out the Hollywood community for its hypocrisy. I’m not a regular viewer of his Daily Show now, but I did used to watch it quiet frequently when it was a popular skit on Saturday Night Live called “Weekend Update.”
My favorite moment was when, after a montage of chest-thumping film clips that showcased a number of movies that “exposed” social injustice, Stewart faced the smug audience and deadpanned, “And now, thanks to these movies, none of these problems exist today.” Nice! You could almost hear George Clooney muttering, “Hey! I exposed Joseph McCarthy for the sham he is! You know…even though everybody already knew that…and it was like, fifty years ago…but I made a film about it! That’s what counts.”
Speaking of social injustice, best picture winner Crash boldly and unflinchingly educates the Nation that racism is wrong. Wait a second! I thought we already knew that! I mean, haven’t we all seen Mississippi Burning and Places in the Heart? By golly, I guess there are some people in the South who just haven’t gotten the word yet. Thanks, Hollywood, for reminding us that racism is bad! I had forgotten. (I’m not saying Crash was a bad movie. It was just an easy movie not worthy of an award. I mean, why not make a movie that’s about people who die eating asbestos. Don’t eat asbestos! It’s bad for you! Wouldn’t we give that an Oscar, too?)
One guy dedicated his Oscar to Africa. That ought to help, chief. “Thank you, Mr. White Movie Man! Your Oscar dedication cured my AIDs and convinced the local warlords to stop kidnapping and soiling my daughters! Thanks for making up for four centuries of shameless Anglo exploitation. Nice tuxedo!” Later, another winner thanked Japan.
I had to admit, Selma Hayak sure looked fetching. I think that even Mrs. Angry – had Ms. Hayak unexpectedly dropped by the Anger Cave – would have said upon her arrival, “Mr. Czeck was just leaving.” By contrast, Jessica Alba appears to have taken too many nutrition cues from the Olson Twins. Let me introduce you to Mayor McCheese, baby.
I really enjoyed Three6Mafia – A refreshing change of pace from the unbreakable Oscar trio of Randy Newman, Elton John, and the uncomfortably sensitive version of Bruce Springsteen. United, they were the ruthless strongmen of The Best Song category. Good to see the old regime finally crumble. Call me a pervert, but I still want to see Dolly Parton naked. (You know you do to.) I don’t even care if she’s 90.
Do you get the feeling that two-time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffman is a bit of a prick? The strongest clue was when he got on stage and said, “Look at all you losers! Give yourself a hand!” I’ll wager a half-tube of Rollos that few in that stuffy Hollywood crowd like hanging out with Dusty. And was it just me, or did Tom Hanks look like he was going to punch somebody before presenting a statue? Mrs. Angry gasped, “I think he just said ‘Fuck you!’ to somebody off stage!” Maybe Dustin Hoffman called him a loser.
Twice I heard winners congratulate Sony Pictures for having the courage to make Memoirs of a Geisha. Making a movie out of a book that sold ten billion copies takes real guts. Next year, I hear we’re awarding Sony the Iron Cross for making The DaVinci Code. (You heard it from the Angry Czeck first: Ron Howard will fuck up that movie. He will fuck its shit right up. It’s got Backdraft 2 written all over it.)