Mexico: "Star 51"

As the Hispanic community takes to the streets, demanding free citizenship and the right to be exploited by produce farmers, it seems to the Angry Czeck that the obvious solution to this Latino Crisis is being roundly ignored by lawmakers and talking heads.

Let’s make Mexico the 51st state. (I know that Canada is already the 51st state, and Iraq is in line to become the 52nd, but hear me out.)

Would anyone object? Certainly not the Mexican government, whose response to the USA’s latest attempt to strongly criminalize paperless citizens seems to be, “Whoh! Hey! We don’t want them here, either!” And surely the Mexican people would embrace such an annexation. After all, thousands of Mexican nationalists cross the border each year in hopes to acquire a slice of American pie. Why not simply erase the border entirely, and make Mexico the United States? It just makes sense. We already have New Mexico. Why not take the rest?

Of course, shortsighted Harvard economists will argue that supplying healthcare to an influx of millions of people who can no longer be allowed to earn a $1.50 and hour will cripple corporate America, but these college eggheads lack the Angry Czeck’s brilliance and sagacity. Mexico, the 51st state under the Angry Czeck Plan, is home to millions of hardworking people who are now eligible to be taxed.

Furthermore, because many Mexicans are impoverished, Republicans could enjoy a fertile pool from which to stock its military. The exploitation could continue! But this time, it would be legal. Speaking of military, acquiring Mexico would give us a strategic launching pad from which to attack Venezuela, suddenly the greatest threat to freedom in the Western Hemisphere. That would send a strong signal to Brazil and Chili, no?

Pancho Villa. Now he’s one of us!

The advantages are endless. How long have we clinched our American fists with envy, knowing that we could never duplicate the success of Tijuana? Now Tijuana could be ours! No longer would American college kids have to “bounce across the border” for whores and liquor. Imagine how handsome an American flag would appear fluttering over cabanas all over the former country of Mexico. The Angry Czeck can hardly wait to taste his first Corona bearing the stamp, Made in the USA.

The issue of outsourcing would completely vanish from political agendas. Now all those American corporations who fled to Mexico can be reunited with their own countrymen! Hooray! Better yet, making Mexico the 51st state would send the ultimate “fuck you” to France, who had the same idea about 150 years ago but failed miserably. (Why? Because they are France!) Hey, France! This is how you subjugate a country, you soap-hating morons!

Annexing Mexico would allow our gregarious American nature to flower. When a person from the former country of Mexico says, “¡Hola, señor!” You may patiently correct him or her by saying, “Yo! I think you mean, ‘Hi, old dude!’” And we can rectify the arcane conditions that have anchored the Mexican people for centuries – namely upside-down question marks and those squiggly things they scratch over the letter “n.”

In exchange for adding more people to our bulging list of social security receipients, we’ll have unlimited license to put an American stamp on formerly Mexican institutions! Envision a new and colossal country where men and women walk the streets of New York City wearing trendy sombreros bearing the Nike logo, or attending a mariachi concert headlined by Kid Rock. Now that’s American!

What would you rather see during halftime of the Superbowl?
The Rolling Stones? Or this!

No longer will families go out for Mexican food. We’ll dine like brothers on American food! And criminals will no longer have the option of “escaping to Mexico.” They’ll have to run all the way to Guatemala! That’s what I call being tough on crime.

Sure, the next time David Letterman identifies something as “being shaky as a Mexican space shuttle,” he’ll only be insulting the USofA, but at least Southerners will have their own Southerners to make fun of, so it’s a wash. Plus, the people of the former country of Mexico can finally reclaim the Alamo! Just look at it! It’s yours again!

Let’s forget about granting citizenship to just the Mexicans sneaking over the border. Let’s make every Mexican an American citizen, whether they want to be one or not! Having no choice is a choice easy to make, that’s what I always say.

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2 responses to “Mexico: "Star 51"

  1. That was just hilarious!

  2. Nice idea, Angry Man! Now when I masturbate to my poster of a shirtless Ricky Martin, I won’t feel ashamed for lusting after a foriegner.

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