Do you want to look at my art?

This was going to be a penetrating and insighful post about how the Bush Administration is staffed by a sinister cabal of brazen liars and sham artists, but instead I thought I’d share with you some of the art I did before and during college.

I used to dabble a little. Nothing serious. Eventually, I had to get a job and pay the bills. I hope you like some of this stuff. Lots of people say it’s pretty good and all, but I don’t know. Now that I can step back from it, and view it with an objectionable eye, I can really see the flaws in my technique. Anyway, take a look:

I met this minx in college. My art teacher was like, “What’s that stupid look on her face?” Well, let me tell you! She was always like, “Hey, can we study in your room,” or “Let’s go to Taco Bell!” But then she told me she had a boyfriend living in Hawaii. Yeah. Sure. Hawaii.

I was really into personifying dogs in the 5th and 6th grades. (I could never think of a good title for this one.) The school nurse made me stop. I tried to sell the artwork to a skateboard design company. They said they’d think about it, but I never heard from them again.

I drew this when I was “in one of my moods.” Plus, I had just received a shitload of magic markers for Christmas, and my Thundar the Barbarian cartoon wasn’t coming on for another thirty minutes.

I didn’t paint this. I carved it. Out of a big rock I found in my parent’s backyard. People say that hands are difficult to draw, but just try carving a flacid penis out of a big rock. It’s hard. Those who know me probably recognize the subject matter: it’s me. Give me a break about the penis size, though. I was only 5.

Most women refuse to pose nude for me, but she owed me because I let her borrow my vacuum cleaner once. The surpise on the black woman’s face is real. She was like, “Hey, lady! What are you doing naked?” And I asked her to be still so I could stick her in the painting, too.

So that’s all the artwork I could find in my closet. I’m working on a really big sculpture in North Dakota, but I won’t finish it until I finish painting this ceiling I said I’d paint in Italy. Thanks for looking. Don’t send me a critique.


3 responses to “Do you want to look at my art?

  1. Oh ANgry Man! You can paint a nude of ME anytime you want! Flacid or ROCK hard? It’s for the artist to decide, really.

  2. You’re a pretty good sculptress. But next time make the dick bigger and it might actually get some attention.

  3. That bitch in the first photo is my current wife, and believe me, the look on her face isn’t funny. She’s been running around with a bad crowd lately.

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