The other day, I came across an Internet news headline that read, “Wisconsin Professor Likens Bush to Hitler.” I thought that was kind of harsh. I even thought it wasn’t nice. But it wasn’t even the first time I had heard the comparison. Mr. Bush seems to inspire the worst criticism, and it’s often hurled by emotional Democrats who passionately buy profane bumper stickers to project their disdain, yet fail to show up at the voting booth when their opinions actually count.
Of course, the Angry Czeck is plenty guilty of the former. On these angry pages I’ve suggested that Dick Cheney…er…forced himself on the president. I’ve implied that Mr. Bush has fornicated unnaturally with a marble bust of Dan Quayle. I’ve even hinted that Mr. Bush is not very smart.
And that’s not very fair.
Mr. Bush is smart enough to engineer his way to he highest office in the world. That takes smarts. But not since Vietnam has a president been asked to display so much leadership. Because Mr. Bush isn’t up to the task is not his fault. It’s ours. We voted the man in. Even if the 2000 election was flawed, the results were close enough for Bush to claim victory with a straight face, and that, my friends, is our fault. Not all the “F The President” stickers in the world can rectify the damage we sowed.
Admitting this failure enables me to do something I never thought possible: The Angry Czeck will say something nice about President George W. Bush. Moreover, I will say multiple nice things about Mr. Bush. Van Helsing once said that “You must cross bitter waters before you reach the sweet,” and even though the quote does not apply here, it’s just as good a segue as any to the following:
1. George Never Stops Believing in Himself. I had a friend in grade school who’s confidence was overly inflated by his parents. According to his parents, my friend was good at everything: Math, dancing, trumpet playing, four-square, basketball, washing cars, you name it. When he didn’t make the high school basketball team, his parents moved him to a tiny public school in the sticks just so he could be the starting center. No matter how mediocre my friend was, his confidence was too dense to penetrate. George exhibits the same admirable quality. Never does he think, “Maybe I don’t have the smarts to run the country.” He believes he’s the man for the job! Ask John Kerry or any Democrat who should be President, and you won’t get an answer until somebody conducts a poll.
2. George Has Initiated a New National Interest in Grammar. First of all, “misunderestimated” isn’t a bad word, really. It’s like, double underestimating. Secondly, his pronunciation of “nuclear” has been blown way out of proportion by hysterical Democrats. Personally, I say “new-clear-er” too. Well, I used to, until every time I said it, some pompous windbag would make a terrific show of correcting me. Listen, America: Who fucking cares how to pronounce “nuclear?” I’m more concerned that our President doesn’t fully understand what the word means. Clearly, he mistook “nuclear warheads” for “insane Islamic fundamentalists,” because Iraq has none of the former and lots of the latter.
3. George Sticks to His Guns. Before George ran the Nation of America, he ran the Nation of Texas. One day, before he was to welcome some foreign dignitary to Texas, a reporter asked, “How will you explain our state’s trigger-happy death penalty to our visiting foreign dignitary?” To which George replied, “I’ll say that so long as you don’t commit a crime in Texas, you won’t have to worry about our death penalty.” Hee haw! Good stuff! Let’s give George and the Republicans their due: they don’t give a fuck what you think. They pour their system of beliefs into the mold and allow it set like concrete, never to be altered. Meanwhile, Democrats maintain an ever shifting set of values that neatly reflect the latest Gallup poll. Really, what do Democrats stand for? Human rights? When? 1968?
4. George Ain’t Afraid to Make a Big Decision. Say what you want about our brouhaha in Iraq, it took big balls to launch such a sweeping invasion without a shred of evidence to support it. When Clinton got mad, he bombed a couple pharmaceutical plants and declared us even. George says, “Give me something big to blast!” He’s a “Shoot first, never ask questions at all” kind of guy, which is who you want behind the Big Desk when things get dicey.
5. George Stays in Good Shape. As a man who struggles with weight, the Angry Czeck appreciates George’s dedication to physical fitness. It’s not difficult to unearth a snapshot of George jogging, chain-sawing, and bench-pressing. It’s reassuring to hear that our President receives an “A” on every annual physical. Sure, we secretly wish Cheney and Rummy would get a few more “Fs,” but at least George is healthy enough to take on Al Queda, the Mexicans, the anti-patriots, and the media. Especially the media.
6. Bush Is A Good Pal. (Unless You’re George Tenet or Mike Brown.) George is going to stick by your side no matter how inept or unqualified you are. Heck, if you send George a nice Christmas card, you might wind up being nominated to the Supreme Court (the world is knocking, Harriet Miers!). George’s loyalty is an iron bar no circus strongman can bend, which explains why Rummy (Mister Torture!) is the longest-serving Secretary of Defense in modern history. I really do think we’re at the point where the vice-president can fire a shotgun at an American citizen and not get a cross word from George. (Wait…that already happened? Jesus Christ!)
7. George Does Not Drink. He Does Not Smoke. Abstinence is not a reason to admire George by itself, but you have to appreciate his self control. If I had 80% of the world despising me, I’d be a drinking and smoking son-of-a-bitch. I’d be like Tony Montana at the end of Scarface, with my face buried in a mountain of cocaine as angry Columbian drug thugs assemble on the White House front lawn. George marshals his strength through alternative and wholesome means: Talking to God. Ignoring domestic policies. Hoping like hell that some GI trips over a buried nuclear device somewhere around Bagdad.
8. George Savvily Exposes Our Enemies. Man, when George called-out North Korea, Iran, and Iraq and labeled them the Axis of Evil, he wasn’t just baking biscuits. No sir! Those folks really are trouble! Why didn’t Iran and N. Korea look at the fate of their sad Iraqi Brother in Evil and learn that when you fuck with the USA, you become a messy cauldron of violent self-interest groups with little to no interest in becoming a Western-styled democratic nation? Why can’t these people learn their lesson? Is it their inherent evilness? Can’t they just accept Christ in their hearts? Maybe if we passed out free Starbucks, we’d get more contrived photographs of peasants showing off their Purple Fingers of Freedom.
9. George Looks Dashing in a Crater. I have to admit, when George jumped into the World Trade Center crater and made his “We’re gonna get those suckas!” speech over his bullhorn, I thought we had put the right man in office. I wanted revenge, and George was gonna give it to me. When Mrs. Angry asked if I’d accept a draft into the army should it come to war, I bravely said “Fucking A!” We were going to get those folks, because George said we were gonna. And then we didn’t. But still, George looked damn good in the crater. He should be a model. He really should. Instead of President.
10. George Forced Us to Pay Attention to Politics Again. To be truthful, Saint Bill Clinton rarely inspired us to follow politics. After all, we had no reason too, since the economy was pretty good and we had nothing to worry about aside from a half-assed World Trade Center bombing (and we destroyed a pharmaceutical plant to teach those folks a lesson!). In fact, Republicans were so desperate to put some life into Washington, they fabricated a morality storm over Saint Bill’s goofy indiscretion with a chubby intern. (Quick Aside: I like how the Republicans aren’t dispatching Ken Starr to investigate their own in-party child molester. Their thirst for justice is only rankled when a guy is exposed for having a bad marriage. But I digress). George made politics relevant again. It may have cost 3000+ American lives and more than half-a-million Iraqi lives, but at least we’re a more politically aware nation now. We’re going to make a smarter decision this time. I swear it.
Provided, of course, we’re not too hung-over to vote.