This was going to be a penetrating and unflinching essay into racism in America, but then I thought, “Who wants to read another one of those?” You don’t need the Angry Czeck to tell you racism is bad. That’s what Hollywood is for. Instead, I’m dedicating this entire post to What The Angry Czeck Knows About Women.
I anticipate it to be a lengthy and insightful post, one pregnant with introspection and social relevance. Of course, already some of you are grousing and automatically uttering the sound bytes the media has thoughtfully prepared for you. How can a man know anything about women? Who am I to apply general statements to an entire gender? Hasn’t 90 years of struggling for equality convinced me that the differences between men and women are microscopic?
Yeah. I guess. Sort of. But let’s face it: even in a society in which we’re not supposed to acknowledge the size of breasts or take in account obvious physical limitations, there are still some differences between men and women that even the Angry Czeck can discern. Hey, I’m not writing this post so I can get in trouble with the chicks. Broads are the best! So, of course, not everything I know about women applies to each woman individually.
For example, just today I found the anomaly that proves Things I Know About Women #3: Women Love Strawberries. Not only does this woman hate strawberries, she claims to be allergic to them! Just when I think I know women.
Things the Angry Czeck Knows About Women
1. Women are fond of celebrated British Actress Dame Judy Dench. For whatever reason, women admire other women who don’t age into decrepit hags. That’s how I want to look when I’m elderly! I’ve heard women say. Men, on the other hand, never sit together on the couch and remark how well Kirk Douglas is aging. I haven’t totally figured it out, but I’m theorizing that women like Judy Dench for the same reason they despise Angelina Jolie. To be fair, I could have substituted Vanessa Redgrave for Judy Dench, and still have been 100% correct.
2. Women don’t really understand how heavy furniture is. I could bore you with a hundred anecdotes, but I’m sure the fellas have plenty of their own. It all boils down to this, Men: How many times has a women pointed to her one-million-pound, antique chiffarobe and ordered you to haul it “to the third floor?” This is usually followed by a shrill “And don’t scratch it!”
3. Women love strawberries. This is my advice for any man who is miserably failing in his mission to woo his lady: strawberries, my man. Pick up a crate of them at the supermarket, drive up in your Toyota Matrix, ring her doorbell, and in your deepest voice whisper, “Strawberries.” Then you’re in.
4. Prince drives women nuts. I know, because I’ve seen it happen. Prince is about four feet tall and dresses like a pencil eraser, but for whatever reason, the ladies find the guy irresistible. And it doesn’t matter what age you are. Prince transcends the generations. If you’re in a bar, and somebody drops a couple quarters into the jukebox and dials up some Prince, I’m estimating a 94% chance that women will be dancing on tabletops. I don’t have the science to back me up. Just a hunch.
5. There is nothing too personal or intimate a woman won’t share with another woman. I’m no eavesdropper, but sometimes I can’t help but to listen in on female conversations. (Because, much like God, female conversations are all around you.) Thanks to my inadvertent recon, I’ve discovered that, between women, nothing is classified. Nothing is taboo. If a woman inhales gasoline fumes, her friends know. If her husband’s penis is shaped like the letter Q, her friends know. If she plans to spend the weekend eating strawberries and watching movies guest starring Judy Dench, her friends know. This is why men make for successful serial killers. We keep private information to ourselves.
6. Women can hold a grudge indefinitely. Women are like the sinister Chinese agents on the Fox hit TV drama 24: “China never forgets!” Neither do women. My mom can recall, in terrific detail, the slights levied on her from the Sixties. And it doesn’t take much to get on the shit list. Don’t believe me? I hate to use reality TV as evidence, but check out Donald Trump’s The Apprentice sometime. When the women are pooled together, the claws come out. Nothing gets done! (Much to the chagrin of Mrs. Angry.) Meanwhile, the men hate each other too, but our memories are short – and made even shorter with beer.
7. Women want to know what men are thinking. It’s a cliche, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Because men have developed the nuclear bomb, radical religion, mustard gas, ninja throwing stars, and lead-based paint, women find it essential to keep tabs on our next big idea. (Can’t say I blame them.) But here’s the kicker, ladies: Most times, men ain’t thinking nothing. Sometimes, Mrs. Angry asks me what I’m thinking about, and I have to invent something fantastic, because I don’t want her know that my neural transmitters are firing just often enough to allow me to breathe and watch Sports Center.
8. Women will exchange your life for chocolate. It’s not that women don’t love you, guys. They just love chocolate more. In some cases, much more. I joke with Mrs. Angry that she would be much happier if I were a chocolatier. She laughs politely, for my sake, but what she’s really thinking is, “I’d be even happier if you actually turned into chocolate.”
9. Women can’t stand hot chicks. If Angelina Jolie solves all the problems in Darfar, invents a practical hydrogen powered car, and teams up with Judy Dench to produce Chocolat Part 2, the Women of Earth will still hate her for what she did to Jennifer Aniston. Meanwhile, Lou Diamond Phillip’s wife leaves him for a woman, and the Men of Earth share a nice chuckle. Let’s be frank; women can’t stand hot women. Personally, I’d like to hang out with George Clooney. How cool! On the other hand, women are lining up to run Angelina Jolie over with their cars. Go ahead. Ask a woman which celebrity they’d like to hang out with. I guarantee, you’ll get more “Ellen DeGenerous” than “Jessica Simpson.”
10. Women are nuts about health. The other day, I attended a meeting where somebody asked the panel if they’d spend $200 for a comprehensive heart screening that wasn’t covered by insurance. Immediately, most of the women in the room began nodding. Of course they would! Women want to know if something is wrong with them. No price is too high. Charge an even $1000, I say. Me, well, the last thing I want to know is if I have some sort of heart defect. That means I have to deal with it. That means taking pills, changing my diet, and running on a treadmill with electrodes taped to my nipples. Women, however, want to deal with it, which explains why more and more hospitals are building facilities just for women. They know they can fill the rooms! That’s good business.
Now you know almost everything I know about women – immediately putting you ahead of the game. Naturally, the Angry Czeck knows much, much more about women than the ten penetrating things I just listed. But you got the good stuff, and that’s what’s important. Besides, I consider the remaining information proprietary, as I believe my unique knowledge grants me an edge with the ladies. And we men need an edge. We need to stick together, brothers, because the women have their shit together as we struggle to plug in our Playstation 3.
And not all the strawberries in the world are going to stop them