No! Monkey sperm more powerful than human sperm! No!

As you are well aware, it is here on the furious pages of the Angry Czeck where the sinister pulse of The Monkey Insurgency is regularly monitored. Some may elect to ignore the obvious, but it is clear to this homosapian that preparations are in motion to usurp humanity from its perch as Master of Earth. I implore you snickering non-believers to read the following news story from CNN:

Surprise birth has chimp sanctuary checking vasectomies

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana (AP) — A female chimpanzee at a sanctuary has given birth, despite the fact that the facility’s entire male chimp population has had vasectomies.

Now managers at Chimp Haven are planning a paternity test for the seven males who lived in a group with Teresa, a wild-born chimpanzee in her late 40s who had the baby girl last week.

Workers have started collecting hair samples from the chimps for testing. Once they identify the father, it’s back to the operating room for him.

Chimp Haven managers said they knew something was up when Teresa was missing during morning rounds on January 8. Later in the day, she appeared with a newborn chimpanzee in her arms.

“Well, we were all just a little bit surprised when we heard the news,” said Linda Brent, a spokeswoman for Chimp Haven.

The baby chimpanzee was named Tracy and she and her mother are doing fine, Brent said.

Teresa had 10 other offspring before retiring to Chimp Haven over a year ago. This is her first baby in 13 years.

It’s also the first chimpanzee born at the sanctuary although officials there hope there will be no more accidents.

Don’t you get it, man? Don’t you see? The monkeys are more powerful than vasectomies! What good are guided missiles against an enemy who can regenerate their vasa deferentia with little more than a wink and a smile?

The monkeys are reversing their vasectomies, and now they’re making copies of themselves! In hours, they’ll be more of them than us! Grab all the bottled water and canned food you were saving for the next hurricane and run. Hide! Destroy all your monkey porn and flee!


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