Okay, Gun Nuts. Explain This.

Once again, the liberal news media has supplied Anti-Gun Activists the ammunition they need to fire a thousand holes through Pro-Gun arguments. After all, when a sullen Korean college student can shoot dead 30 kids and professors before taking his own life, well, the case speaks for itself. Guns are a danger to society, and the time to curtail their unchecked use is long overdue.

Except it will not matter. For the Pro-Gun Argument is in the hands of the Debating Retard.

Thanks to time-traveling technology secreted away from clumsy Chinese agents, The Angry Czeck has already been made privy to the Pro-Gun response to the recent massacres at Virginia Technical College. I’ve already taken the liberty of sifting through much of the redundant rhetoric and poorly constructed grammar so that the Pro-Gun message is clearly made.

Argument Number One: If Everyone Were Allowed to Carry Guns, The Massacre Would Have Been Stopped. I enjoy this thinking because it paints a hypothetical so fantastic that it can never be disproved. The Debating Retard who employs this argument unfailingly points to “The Old West” where society policed themselves. They act as though no murders, massacres, or simple drunken manslaughter ever occurred on 19th Century Frontier. In their eyes, life was a very long episode of Bonanza. Here’s how this argument shakes out:

DEBATING RETARD: “If everyone on that campus had been packing heat (like in the old West), I guarantee you that Korean boy would have never been stupid enough to start shooting.”

YOU: “Didn’t he end up killing himself?


YOU: “Then he was suicidal…so it would not have mattered if he thought he might die…see?

DEBATING RETARD: “Second Amendment!”

Argument Number Two: Anybody Can Get A Gun On The Black Market, So Gun Registration is Just Pointless. This argument contends that we might as well do nothing to stem firearm violence because it’s just going to happen anyway. What if we adopted this attitude about driving a car?

DEBATING RETARD: “We shouldn’t require driver’s to get a license because nine-year-olds will find a way to buy a car and drive on the highway anyway.”

YOU: “So your strategy is to just hold your breath and hope that another pre-pube doesn’t plow his Ford Contour into a crowded bus stop? Nice plan.”

DEBATING RETARD: “Second Amendment!”

Argument Number Three: Guns Don’t Kill People, People Kill People.
This statement is always spoken in the same patient manner one employs when explaining toilet-flushing to a three-year-old. It even sounds deep and philosophical, as though they were words spoken by Kane from Kung Fu. In fact, with a few twists and clever word-substitutions, your can use this logic to defend nearly anything.

YOU: “It was wrong that I was beaten and gang-raped behind a Texas taco stand.”

DEBATING RETARD: (Patting YOU on the head) “Dicks don’t rape people. People rape people.”

YOU: “Oh.”

DEBATING RETARD: (Putting hand on YOUR shoulder) “Fists don’t beat-up people. People beat up people.”

YOU: “Yeah, I get it now.”

DEBATING RETARD: (Rolling eyes) “Tacos don’t eat people. People eat tacos.”

YOU: “So why did I even bother calling the police?”

DEBATING RETARD: “Second Amendment!”

The Pro-Gun Debating Retard really knows
how to make a funny t-shirt.

Argument Number Four: A Knife Can Kill Just As Easily As A Gun.
Aside from the fact that I’ve never attempted to peel an apple with a handgun, the logic for this argument is pretty shaky. And by that, I mean a knife serves a variety of functions deemed useful in civil society. A gun’s only purpose is to kill. In addition, I’m guessing only Jack Bauer could destroy 30 healthy people within minutes using a steak knife. Maybe I’m a pussy.

DEBATING RETARD: “If we’re going to outlaw guns, why not just outlaw knives, too!”

YOU: “Yeah! And mustard gas!”

DEBATING RETARD: “Uh, mustard gas is illegal.”

YOU: “Really? Why?”

DEBATING RETARD: “Because mustard gas is dangerous in the wrong hands and its only purpose is to kill people.”

YOU: (smug silence)

DEBATING RETARD: “Second Amendment!”

Argument Number Five: Hitler’s First Executive Order Was to Confiscate Citizen-Owned Guns, and Look How That Turned Out! It’s always unnerving to have history against you. I suppose that, had Hitler allowed Germans to keep their firearms, things like the Holocaust would have been averted. Because, you know, most Germans knew the Nazis were wrong. In fact, I think only five people (the ones with guns) were in the Nazi party. The rest of Germany was left to watch helplessly shaking their fists and sticks as forty million people were exterminated. If only they had their guns! Germany wouldn’t be known as The Shameful Home of the Holocaust, but as the Land of the Beer Drinking Bad Asses Who Filled Hitler Full of Hot Lead!

DEBATING RETARD: “Man, if our citizens didn’t have guns, think of the atrocities that might have happened in this country!”

YOU: “Yeah! We might have had slavery, a civil war and gang violence were it not for our peace-keeping friend, the gun!”

DEBATING RETARD: “Second Amendment!”

Sure he was against guns, but look at what he was for.

Argument Number Six: This Country Was Founded By White Men Carrying Guns.
Admittedly, this is more a catchy bumper sticker than a legitimate argument by educated people. Isn’t it? Please?

DEBATING RETARD: “White men and guns are what made this country what it is today!”

YOU: “Really? I thought it was free speech and the invention of the assembly line.”

DEBATING RETARD: “Right! And the Winchester!”

YOU: “Because then the Indians might have selfishly kept their land if we didn’t have the Winchester!”

DEBATING RETARD: “Second Amendment!”

YOU: “Why do you keep shouting ‘Second Amendment?’”

DEBATING RETARD: “Second Amendment!”

YOU: “That’s irritating!”

DEBATING RETARD: “’Nuff said! Talk to the hand!”

As you might have noted on your own, there is no defeating the Pro-Gun Debating Retard because he believes that the Second Amendment is his WMD. Nothing trumps it. For the Pro-Gun Debating Retard, a 250 year-old document written by men carrying muskets can’t possibly be amended to fit modern times. Nope. It’s concrete.

The Angry Czeck isn’t a firearm abolitionist. To me, guns play an important role in American heritage, and I really have no interest in censuring American heritage. My interest lies in the recognition of common sense, and it is painfully clear to me that while people do kill people, guns enable people to kill an incredible amount of people.

“And dinosaurs lived in harmony with man!”

So I’m for background checks, even if that means inviting a government I don’t fully trust into my private life. I’m for waiting periods. I’m for the restriction of not only automatic weapons, but semi-automatic weapons, too. I want it to be harder to pass an apple through your asshole than it is to purchase a Glock. If you purchase a rifle, I want you taking a motherfucking safety course. It should be illegal to buy a gun in a pawnshop, on the Internet, or in the newspaper classifieds.

Why? Why?

Because I’m tired of nutty kids shooting up my schools, that’s why. And if your response is “Registration won’t stop criminals from buying guns,” or “People kill people,” then my answer is “Fuck you.” I’ve had enough of your idiot arguments and your unlikely hypotheticals. Because you are the problem.

Yeah you, Mr. and Mrs. Gun. Here’s an idea: get a new goddamned hobby. Collect stamps or Beanie Babies. Learn how to scrapbook. Whatever you do, quit poisoning our society with your moronic slogans and antiquated reasoning. Thirty people died in Virginia the other day.

None of them were stabbed.*

*UPDATE: Here’s another event gun nuts can explain.



One response to “Okay, Gun Nuts. Explain This.

  1. Awesome post my friend.I think I know a debating retard or two 😉

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