Dick Cheney’s Policy for Dealing With Freedom-Haters

Top-secret transcript of a transmission intercepted from a Soviet satellite (March 9, 2004)

D. CHENEY: Get off the floor, George. It’s time to fight the war on terror.

G.W. BUSH: Gee, Dick! Can’t you see me and Alberto are shooting marbles here?

D. CHENEY: Shut up. This involves him too! Scooter just told me that Attorney General John Ashcroft is off the reservation!

G.W. BUSH: He’s an Indian?

D. CHENEY: No, you idiot! He just declared our warrant-less wire-tapping policy illegal! The nerve!

G.W. BUSH: I thought that crazy religious nut was a Bushie!

D. CHENEY: Apparently, the line between Loyal Bushie and Cave-Dwelling Al-Qaeda is thin! Luckily, his strange Missouri God just struck him down with pancreatitis!

G.W. BUSH: I’ll send licorice!

D. CHENEY: You moron. We’re not paying Ashcroft to lie in a hospital bed, hating freedom! You’re sending Alberto and Andy to the hospital to…change his mind!

G.W. BUSH: Jesus, Dick! Have a heart! The man just had his gallbladder removed! Besides, James Comey is acting Attorney General now! You should be ganging up on him, and not some old man who has to pee and poop in a tin can for the next three weeks!

D. CHENEY: How about I gang up on you, bitch? Hold him, Alberto.

Fifteen minutes of uncomfortable bitch-slapping.

D. CHENEY: Now you listen here, blockhead. The only terror sanctioned by this administration is Cheney Terror! And if that means suspending every civil liberty to keep American people free, then so be it! Freedom isn’t free! Second Amendment! Patriotism!

A. GONZALES: You want I should get Andy now?

D. CHENEY: Yeah. Tell him to bring his rubber hose and brass knuckles. But first, clean up the President. He’s disgusting.

G.W. BUSH: You wanna play marbles, Dick?

D. CHENEY: Shut up!

END OF TRANSMISSION (CCCP)

###

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