Wednesday morning, while sculpting my seething body into furious shape at the gym, I was treated to a Today Show interview with James Mulva, CEO of ConocoPhillips. James, spunky and rosy-cheeked after enjoying a recent profit of $15,000,000,000.00, patiently explained to the American consumer why his gas was costing us so much money.
“It is true that gasoline prices move with oil prices, but … demand continues to go up. Even with gas prices over $3 per gallon, demand continues to go up. That’s really quite surprising.”
Jim is surprised that, despite his company increasing prices to stimulate record profits, people still want to buy his expensive gas. Jim holds a Master’s degree in business from the University of Texas.
Here’s more fingering from Jim:
As (Jim) Mulva sees it, the rising price of gasoline during a period of time when a barrel of oil has dropped by $10 is explained by the inability of companies like his to keep enough American-made gasoline flowing.
His company recently had two refining units down due to a lightning strike and a third went off-line when it lost electricity supplied by a local utility company. Imported gasoline costs more, but the companies have to do it to keep the tanks fuel, he said.
See, even though the price of oil has dropped $10, we’re still taking it up the ass because Jim can’t keep his refining units running. So his greedy consumers (that would be us) force him to buy pricey foreign oil (the same oil that dropped $10 per gallon) to keep our SUVs on the road.
But the Angry Czeck, with all of his mercy, understands that when costs increase, so do prices. So how does Jim explain the $15 billion in fresh profits?
Noting that ConocoPhillips’ profits have risen from $4.7 billion to $15.6 billion over the last year, (The Today Show’s Matt) Lauer questioned why Americans shouldn’t get the feeling that there is a direct correlation between profit and price hikes.
“We invest it right back into growing supply, oil production, gas production and refining capacity,” Mulva insisted.
He added that with a small measure of conservation and a bit of cooperation from Mother Nature following a relatively quiet hurricane season last year, prices should moderate and hopefully decline this summer.
It’s not just our fault. It’s also the hurricane’s fault. And don’t worry about those profits. Those are going right back into ConocoPhillips! You know, the same ingenious company that just made $15 billion off of us.
Those fuckers. Those nervy, money-grubbing, anal-bead breaking fuckers. I’d rather have each hair on my testicles plucked than give ConocoPhillips another $3.80 worth of gas.
Except, you know, the Anger Mobile is running on E.