Pope and Pals are making it freaking hard to be Catholic

In the wake of the $660,000,000 settlement the Los Angeles Archdiocese is handing out to more than 500 people who’ve claimed sexual abuse, the Angry Czeck is finding it difficult to defend his faith.

If you haven’t been keeping up, the lawsuit is a grievance representing sexual abuse spanning 60 years, and the shameful cover-up that followed. The cover-up is the most egregious, even more so than the underage fondling and the rapes. Despite what some will have you believe, Catholic priests have not monopolized the market on pedophilia. (It just seems like it.)

Cardinal Roger Mahoney writes the
$660 million dollar checks,
but its the parish who pays the bill.

Catholic priests do, however, enjoy one of the world’s wealthiest and most powerful institutions with the will and means available to push this trash beneath the rug. And because the Catholic Church used their incredible influence to conceal rather than to make-good and repair, the sin is unforgivable.

When the collection plate is passed during Mass, I wonder what percentage of my gift is portioned to lawsuit settlements and clandestine priest relocations. I bristle when the diocese dare asks for more. I imagine the good six hundred million dollars might have done.

As evident by the Pope’s recent proclamation that all churches not Catholic are in fact not Christian, we find that the Vatican is quick to pass judgments and codes of conduct on all of us. Yet, I can’t mention to friends that I was once an alter boy without being asked if I had been raped by my priest. “Heh heh…no…”

The narrow-minded Weltanschauung of Pope Benedict is quickly reversing the progress of Pope John Paul, as conservative and as limited as it was. Where JP worked to unite the faiths, Benedict is doing his very best to isolate the faith with his hypocritical proclamations. Again, the Catholic Church is not and will not be the first church to claim Jesus as exclusive domain. But once again, the Catholic Church had the power and the influence to promote faith rather than marshal it. And once more, the Church has failed.

Some will point to Benedict and defend him as a man who defends the values of Catholicism. But those antiquated values have clearly eroded, both by virtue of time and the abhorrent actions of the Church’s stewards. How does it make sense to prohibit the use of condoms when venereal diseases such as AIDS kills so many parishioners? How can a church declare marriage an institution for a man and woman, yet prevent its own employees from marrying? How does slamming the door a hundreds of legitimate religions bring anyone closer to God?

Jesus® is a registered trademark of
The Roman Catholic Church,

and may not be duplicated or distributed
without the express permission of His Excellence.

Latin masses and fish-on-Fridays isn’t going to put the brakes on abortion, cloning, same-sex marriages, the use of contraceptives, or attendance of Protestant services. While Benedict assures his own place in heaven by sticking to his self-righteous guns, the rest of the world chuckles at his misplaced affinity for the golden oldies.

If you really don’t give a crap what the world thinks, Benedict, why not bring back the Inquisition? Perhaps the applause generated by the elderly counsel you keep will overpower the din of a million feet leaving your cathedrals for good.

“You lose ten points for buggering alter boys. However, you gain 10 points for not wearing a rubber, so it all evens out.”

I’m getting tired of defending the Church. Clearly, Benedict is less interested in saving souls and spreading the gospel, and more interested in being a big dick. Thanks to him, I must explain to my Protestant buddies that they’re not Christian because they don’t recognize the authority of an old man who believes Jesus wouldn’t wear a condom on the account that it makes so much sense.

Actually, I think I’ll just hand my friends the phone number to my local Bishop. Let him explain it.

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