The Angry Czeck is sleeping a little more restlessly next to Mrs. Angry these days, thanks to Mary Winkler, the preacher’s wife who educated American women in the art of murdering their husbands. Really. Thanks, Mary Winkler. Not since The Burning Bed have men been this nervous.
For example, just the other weekend, Mrs. Angry asked me if I wanted to spend my Sunday window shopping for antiques with her mother. Now normally, my answer would be a condescending chuckle followed by a beer belch. But we’re living PMW (Post Mary Winkler). I caught the sinister glint in Mrs. Angry’s eye and I immediately knew the correct answer. (By the way, antique lawyer’s cabinets are way over-priced right now.)
Recently, I read an article that revealed a new trend among men: chest hair implants! Ha! Not a problem for the Angry Czeck, whose oxygen-rich Czech blood fertilizes chest follicles like crazy. But some guys are desperate to reject this insane Metro Sexual craze that is attempting to lull men into self-emasculation. Mary Winkler is putting the brakes on the revolt. It’s back to Banana Republic, Men! Unzip your man-purse and over-spend for tight black turtle-necks. And like it!
Though severely weakened, the Manly Resistance still has a few aces concealed beneath its blue-workshirt sleeves. For example, we maintain secret control of an ancient Soviet spy satellite that recently intercepted Mary Winkler’s recipe for consequence-free murder.
MARY’S MURDER CORNER!!!
FOLLOW THIS RECIPE TO THE LETTER, GIRLS!!!
1. Convince your no-good husband to move to Tennessee, where the laws are sympathetic to murdering females. If met with initial resistance, remind the slimeball that Tennessee offers good hunting and kayaking.
2. Before murdering husband, make sure to steal his credit card and buy some high-heeled black boots over the Internet. Throw in some leather chaps for good measure. (Relax, girlfriends!! You don’t have to wear them!!! At your trial, just say your evil husband made you wear them during S-E-X.)
3. Swipe your disgusting husband’s computer, open up the Web browser, and add several pornography links to his bookmarks (you don’t have to look at them!!!!).
4. Blast no-good husband in half with double-barrel shotgun.
5. Retreat to the goofiest place imaginable to help plant the seed of mental imbalance. (Think Destin or Galveston or Myrtle Beach!!!) If you have children, bring’em!!!!
6. Upon arrest, sprinkle your confession with words like “psychological torture,” “perverted sex,” “mental abuse,” and “unnatural.” Weep hysterically for good measure. Remember to occasionally ask about the kids!!!
7. Write a letter to CNN’s Nancy Grace to explain “your side” of the story. Make Nancy your Nancy!
8. Think about what you’re going to say to Oprah upon your quick release from the mental institution. Compliment her weight loss.
As you can see, the formula is pretty simple to master, effectively sealing the grisly fate of manhood. We should have learned the painful lesson John Wayne Bobbitt taught us, but we were too busy watching football and frequenting strip joints to pay any attention. Now the pink slip has arrived in our in-box, announcing our unceremonious termination from social dominance.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to shave my arm pit hair, or else.