Nobody shits in Minnesota and gets away with it

The Angry Czeck just finished reading the police report concerning the arrest of Larry Edwin Craig, filed by Officer Dave Karsnia of the Minnesota Airport Police Department. Near the top, in the right hand corner, is a field box for Type of Incident: LEWD CONDUCT.

Heh heh.

Of course, the report unearthed a number of flabbergasting realities:

  1. Being employed as a United States Senator carries no weight with the MAPD
  2. Republicans can’t seem to keep their sex lives private in the wake of their multi-million dollar “investigation” into Bill Clinton’s cigar-tryst with a chubby intern.
  3. You can have paid, adulterous sex with a female prostitute and keep your job (Hello, Dave Vitter), but allegedly soliciting gay sex in a bathroom will cost you your seat in the Senate.
  4. There’s a sub-culture of public bathroom deviants who have developed a simple menu of language and codes.

To the Angry Czeck, realization #4 is the most entertaining. I can imagine Senator Craig, huddled in his Washington office late in the evening, scouring the Internet for tips and advice for picking up man-on-man quickies in public restrooms. I can even imagine the Senator becoming an expert on the topic, counseling other thrill seekers with an intriguing opening like, “You know how I spend my time during a long layover?”

Tell me you’re not horny right now.

Apparently, this culture has not gone beneath the radar of law enforcement agencies. So common is the practice, lawmen are compelled to conduct stings to arrest these miscreants. Why? I don’t know. Maybe lease managers of shopping malls aren’t too keen on men fucking in their toilet stalls. Maybe airport janitors aren’t wild about sopping up pools of cum off bathroom floors. Who knows? I just know Minnesota’s Finest are on the case.

With training and experience, the cops are getting pretty damn savvy at busting the creeps. Consider the words of the arresting officer, Master Undercover Agent Dave Karsnia

“Craig entered the stall and placed his roller bag against the front of the stall door. My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall. From my seated position, I could observe the shoes and ankles of Craig seated to the left of me….At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.”

That’ll make you think twice about bringing your iPod in for a pleasant shit. You don’t want to be caught absently tapping your toe to Michael McDonald. Not when an undercover policeman might be taking notes in the next stall!

Officer Karnsia is not without his moments of theatre, the report later reveals:

“At about 1219 hours, I held my Police Identification in my right hand down by the floor so that Craig could see it. With my left hand near the floor, I pointed towards the exit. Craig responded, ‘No!’ I again pointed towards the exit. Craig exited the stall with his roller bags without flushing the toilet.”

I don’t know about your hometown, but in Minnesota, failure to flush might land you a chauffeured trip to the police precinct. Imagine Senator Craig’s surprise at that moment! He thinks he’s communicating with the deviant underworld, but instead he’s dealing with a crack unit of hardboiled cops! Have your doubts? Check out Officer Karnsia ice-cold reaction to the Senator’s trump card:

“I asked (Craig) for his driver’s license….Craig handed me a business card that identified himself as a United States Senator as he stated, “What do you think about that?” I responded by setting his business card down on the table and again asking him for his driver’s license.”

Burn! I’ll bet the mighty Karnsia didn’t “ask” to see Craig’s license. I’ll wager that he demanded it! “Your membership in the world’s most powerful political fraternity means nothing to the Minnesota Airport Police Department! In Washington, you may have the power to approve war, suspend civil liberties, and prevent gay marriages, but here your ass is mine! Now give me your goddamned driver’s license, creep!”

The Senator learned quickly that Minnesota ain’t Washington DC

As much as it amuses me to know that a champion for “family values” as been busted for lewd conduct in a public restroom, the part of me that remembers the Constitution wonders if Senator Craig is a victim of entrapment. Peeking through a crack in a bathroom stall is not a crime. Neither is tapping your toe or running your hand along the bottom of the stall divider. Hell, asking another guy for a butt fuck isn’t illegal either. Yet Craig was hauled off to jail, photographed and fingerprinted just like a rapist or a thief.

Maybe this is the kind of grey-area encroachment upon civil liberties that will underscore to the Republican Party why unauthorized phone taps and secret detentions are gross violations upon the American people. Much more so than fishing for a blow-job in an airport.

I hope Senator Craig fights for his job, as he has recently pledged to do. Furthermore, I hope he retains his seat. Because I believe now he’ll think twice next time the Bush Administration tries to guilt Congress into signing a bill that threatens our privacy or stomps on our rights. Rather than stand on his pulpit repressing gays and frightening us with “Orange Alerts,” perhaps we as citizens have finally gained an ally among Republicans.

Meanwhile, I’ll be taking my dumps at home.

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