Join the New Conservatives, Pinkos!

This essay represents the third post of The Angry Czeck Century Series, a thought-provoking collection of penetrating harangues of rancor leading to the Angry Czeck’s 100th Post. You are currently reading Post 90.

The other day, a co-worker of mine visited my office and said, “Why doesn’t the Angry Czeck post something controversial?”

The Angry Czeck leaned back in his gold and diamond encrusted office chair and casually ran his hand through his thick wave of chest hair. “And what,” said I, “would you consider ‘controversial?’”

My co-worker frowned and shrugged his shoulders, “Demand that George Bush be impeached,” he suggested.

I argued that calling for the impeachment of George Bush would be hypocritical because of my staunch and public opposition to the Clinton Impeachment Bandwagon. And besides, to impeach Bush would be to impeach ourselves. We voted the guy in – or at least we made the election close enough so that George could claim victory with a straight face. The American people should shoulder part of the blame.

But this was the wrong argument.

The reality is, arguing to impeach Bush no longer holds controversial cache. I might as well write a post encouraging people not to eat asbestos. There are too many people in the I Hate Bush Camp. Controversy is only created when the ire of the many are stoked by the few.

Still, I was irked that my co-worker wanted more controversy from The Angry Czeck. Inadvertently, he had described me as a mouthpiece for the conventional. A relater of the obvious. A conceptual blacksmith whose ideas had long been forged by brighter minds.

An unoriginal hack.

So much like the Grinch, I puzzed and puzzed, seeking to unearth that un-mined nugget of radical perspective. Who could the Angry Czeck target? Conservative Christians? The NRA? Wal-Mart?

It was useless. Useless! The milked fodder of Jon Stewart and Al Franken was not to be the sustenance of The Angry Czeck! Why take my place in the rear of the queue to await the scraps left by the Colbert Report? I’m the Angry Czeck, damnitt!

And then it hit me, like a thunderbolt hurled by mighty Zeus. Anybody could make a joke at Dick Cheney’s expense. It’s too damn easy. Likewise, opposing the war in Iraq. If Rosie O’Donnell is doing it, then how can there be any redeeming quality in piling on?

So what if the Angry Czeck argued for the war in Iraq?

After all, if 70% of Americans would rather that we cut our losses and leave, how can endorsing such an opinion be considered a radical idea? Why not just oppose racism? It’s easy, and it always earns a high-five. To be honest, we radicals haven’t been radical for years.

Here’s the new reality: you’re not a radical if you oppose the war. If you believe in the greenhouse effect, you’re not a radical. If you embrace all religions and creeds, you’re not a radical. How do you know if you’re not a radical for sure? For a complete list, see whatever values Sean Penn endorses. If you’re nodding passionately, you’re not a radical.

So who are the radicals? Broadly speaking, anything not championed by Hollywood Idiots.

Sean is not the boss of me anymore!

Join the NRA, become a radical. Christian Coalition? Check! The Republican Party? Welcome to the land of the radicals, my friend. Do you hear Rush Limbaugh barking on your radio? Can you see Bill O’Rielly sneering on your TV? Congratulations. You’re a radical. A New Radical.

As a member of The New Conservatives, I find New Radicals to be dangerous anti-thinkers willing to convert their strange theories into action because – as minorities – they have very little to lose! Why not thoughtlessly attack a region of insane Islamic extremists? If anything, war will become a catalyst of change –– any change! Doesn’t matter what the change is, so long as it’s contrary to the stodgy dogma endorsed by The New Conservatives.

Meanwhile, the New Radicals will soon tractor-beam a fresh crop of good-looking A-List disciples. After all, Hollywood Idiots don’t feel good about themselves unless they’re card-carrying radicals! Count on Jamie Lee Curtis to be arrested for attempting to purchase an automatic assault rifle. Watch Susan Surandon and Tim Robbins get be seen protesting outside a Greenpeace office. Join Ben Affleck in tossing burning tires into creek beds during Earth Day. The New Radicals are way more radical than the Old Radicals!

As the great Stallone once said, to win a war, you must become war. For the Angry Czeck to become a radical, he must love war! Plus narrow Christian beliefs and nihilistic gun-culture for good measure. Why? Because as a New Conservative, I feel quite uncomfortable at wine & cheese parties when I’m the only bull-headed old-fart suggesting that human behavior may be contributing to global warming. Everybody looks at me like a fascist! Clearly, it’ll make me more popular with the in-crowd to discard the opinion of the majority and become a New Radical. Like Anne Coulter.

The New Radicals, seen here enjoying a radical Christian rock concert

Damnitt, count the Angry Czeck in! I drive a silver Honda Accord, and I live in the suburbs surrounded by white people. That used to count against me. Not anymore! Viva, New Radicals! Where’s my American flag lapel pin and my NYFD baseball cap? I am in!

I’m just one bad haircut away from full membership.

###

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