Gimme My Money, Government!

This essay represents the seventh post of The Angry Czeck Century Series, a thought-provoking collection of penetrating harangues of rancor leading to the Angry Czeck’s 100th Post. You are currently reading Post 94.

Recently, it was announced that the government is going to assist (i.e. “bailout”) a number of people struggling to cope with their no-interest loans. Forget “let the buyer beware.” Dismiss consumer prudence or even common sense. To the government (and to much of the public) the poor bastards who signed on the dotted line for these too-good-to-be-true loans are victims of sinister lending companies whose fine print proved too fine.

The Angry Czeck applauds the measure.

Now the door is open for more bailouts, and I figure that I ought to Pass Go just like everybody else.

After all, I mistakenly did the correct thing by taking out a fixed rate mortgage at about 6%. That was dumb! I should have taken out a 0% loan (which would become a 14% loan in 1 to five years) and then waited for Uncle Sam to “assist” me with the huge payments once the housing market and the suckers market collapsed simultaneously.

But nope. I idiotically bought a house with modest square-footage in a middle-class neighborhood where my Honda Accord would look right at home. (Damn! I could have leased a Lexus!) I even provided a down payment, like a jackass, when I could have invested that money in snowboards and jet skies.

Now I want mine.

Earlier this year, I invested $20 at the Southland Greyhound Dog Racing Track in West Memphis, Arkansas – and lost! Every dollar! Never was I told I would lose, but it was heavily implied that I might win. But I didn’t, and now I want Congress to pay me back.

I’ve heard people say, “Angry Czeck, most people lose money at the dog track.” First of all, I’m not most people. I’m the Angry Czeck, and I deserve better. Besides, if most people lose at Southland, then management should put up a big sign saying so. I was misled.

I also want my money refunded for my rental of Ghost Rider. Yeah, I read the reviews. But I rented it anyway. It starred Nic Cage! They promised it would be good! It wasn’t, it sucked, and now I want my six dollars back.

Last night, the cheese sticks Sonic sold me were ice cold. Gimme my money, Government! Half my shirts in my closet no longer fit over my stomach. Gimme my money, Government! My car tires have 75,000 miles on them, but one of them is slowly leaking air. Gimme my money, Government! Last week, Mrs. Angry wished aloud that I would get more exercise. Gimme my money, Government!

You know where I live, Government. Mailing me a check shouldn’t be a problem. And while you’re at it, I want you to pass some legislation against Southland. They took my money! I was robbed.

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One response to “Gimme My Money, Government!

  1. The office coffee was bitter and undrinkable this morning and my socks are old. I want my money too.

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