Do you want to look in my closet?

This essay represents the 12th post of The Angry Czeck Century Series, a thought-provoking collection of penetrating harangues of rancor leading to the Angry Czeck’s 100th Post. You are currently reading Post 99.

I’m not a big fashion guy, and I always feel like The Angry Dork when I’m checking out the REDUCED rack at the Banana Republic. Perhaps if my body was proportioned in the classic “wedge” shape, I’d take my business to Abercrombie, no?

Anyway, I decided to revamp my entire wardrobe. Forget stripes and sweaters and button-down shirts. I’m t-shirt exclusive, now. And let me tell you, my style is turning some heads at the office.

I realize that many of my readers haven’t the pleasure of my company on a regular basis, so I’m posting some photos so that you might study them for future reference.

I love two thing: Jesus and YooHoo. Imagine my joy to discover a t-shirt that glorified both! I can’t wait to wear this shirt in front of someone who is actually drinking a YooHoo. It hasn’t happened yet, but I suspect the Lord will Make It So.

I don’t know who designed this shirt, but I do know they awarded Al Gore a Nobel Prize. So maybe he designed it. I like wearing this shirt at rallies, because it lets people know that just because you’re Christian doesn’t mean you don’t occasionally listen to public radio.

I don’t think it’s fair that the gays stole rainbows from little Christian girls who collect ceramic unicorns. I’m not Mike Huckabee, but I’m pretty sure you go to h-e-l-l for stealing. This shirt also looks great with my Mork & Mindy suspenders.

Just because Alec Baldwin is hairy, it doesn’t mean we’re descendants of monkeys. Plus, the whole theory of evolution is flawed because such a “mutation” would take tens of thousands of years, and everyone knows that the Earth is only 5000 years old at most.

I like wearing this shirt when I’m pumping gas or checking into a hotel, because then the godless Muslims who make change behind the cash register think I’m coming to take them to Cuba. Psyke! Just a message of love, you godless hellbent Jesus/Freedom haters!

It takes guts to deliver The Word. Anybody (and by “body” I mean “Christian”) who has ever attempted to convert Jewish people coming out of a Sin-to-God knows what I mean. I think this is a shirt Jesus would wear. He should have given Peter one, at least.

I work in advertising, so I’m accustomed to clever ideas. But wow, this one really makes me jealous! Why can’t I come up with something this sharp? Wearing a shirt like this takes Job-like patience, because first you have to stop and let people read the message. Then you have to tell them what it means. It’s okay, though. I mark down the time as “evangelizing.”

I tell people all the time that I have a high-speed connection…to the Lord! People roll their eyes, but just because it’s obvious doesn’t make it less true.

I like how the Christian featured in this graphic is illustrated with straight lines to craftily underscore his Lord-Approved sexual preference. I’m not sure why there’s a bullet after “Gay” but it’s something I can bring up at my next Men’s Bible Study Group.

Abstinence has gotten a lot easier for me since I started wearing this shirt. It’s a miracle! I’m not sure why we need sex anyway, considering Seasons 1 & 2 of Touched By an Angel are now available on DVD.

Don’t let the cheery font fool you, bro. This shirt is bad news! Bad news to anyone who DOESN’T BELIEVE IN HELL!!! And you thought denying the existence of God or Jesus was bad. Not as bad as flat-out rejecting the realm of never-ending torment. I wore this shirt at a company picnic, and I really got a dialogue going.

Anyway, that’s pretty much my new wardrobe. I think it really reflects my entry into the New Radicalism. I also have some new hats and bumper stickers.



5 responses to “Do you want to look in my closet?

  1. Divine. Your closet is scaring me.

  2. As usual, disturbing.

  3. You are forgetting the all important (and very popular in Louisiana) “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.”

  4. Because of you, I rushed out to Books-a-million and bought this “I’m Taken” t-shirt. really just wear it so all the guys have to look at my boobs to read it.

  5. TAC: You are the Master. And by Master, I mean awesome.

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