This essay represents the 14th post of The Angry Czeck Century Series, a thought-provoking collection of penetrating harangues of rancor leading to the Angry Czeck’s 100th Post. You are currently reading Post 100.
Yes! One Hundred freaking posts. That’s a lot of posts. (If you don’t believe me, just try watching 100 episodes of Becker.) Writing 100 penetrating posts may sound like an incredible achievement, but what is even more incredible is the outpouring of love and support from men and women (and even robots) just like you.
For the Angry Czeck’s 100th Post – the crowning moment of the Angry Czeck Century Series – I share a sample of these tributes with you.
Mr. Angry Czeck,
Your less-than-flattering portrayal of Gatlinburg and its sister city of Pigeon Forge has prompted the Gatlinburg Commission of Tourism to proceed with legal action against you and your “blog,” The Angry Czeck. (RE: “Gatlinburg is My Bitch”) For the record, Gatlinburg is not your bitch. Furthermore, the City of Gatlinburg categorically denies entertaining or playing host to:
1) People with strange skull formations
2) Fanatics for the Pontiac Grand Am
3) Abusive, shoe-swinging mothers
4) Jesus t-shirts that Jesus* would never wear
We expect to seize your assets shortly, and garnish any profits made by The Angry Czeck to finance the reversal of damage your insensitivity has created. Hee-haw, and go to hell.
The City Of Gatlinburg, TN
* By “Jesus” we mean our Lord and Savior the Christ, and not “Mexico” Jesus.
Dear Mr. Angry,
100 posts. Great. Instead of writing a blog nobody reads, how about taking out the garbage and quit being an embarrassment to your sons?
Transcript of a transmission intercepted from an old Soviet satellite
CHENEY: Terrorist Level Red, George! The Angry Czeck is poised to publish his 100th post!
GW: I love those Human Douche Bag cartoons.
CHENEY: Shut up, you twit. The Angry Czeck has done more damage to my administration than a thousand Larry Craigs.
GW: That freedom-hating freedom hater! What are we going to do?
CHENEY: Well, you’re going to continue playing with your toy trucks while I continue to play with the hopes and dreams of this country!
GW: I’ll have Harriet update Mister Black Berry for me!
CHENEY: You do that. Meanwhile, I have a feeling that before Mr. Czeck publishes his 200th post, he’ll be taking an unscheduled sabbatical…to Cuba! George! Join me in laughing maniacally!
CHENEY and GW: Heh heh heh heh.
CHENEY: That’s enough.
Greetings, Czeck Lifeform,
Though you viciously panned my major motion picture, I cannot help believing that when it comes to the Angry Czeck, there is more than meets the eye. See? “More than meets the eye.” Just like what we used to say in the cartoon. Now get off of Mr. Bay’s back so that he can finish butchering the sequel. Nerd.
Leader of the Autobots
Office of the Papacy
Division of Discipline
RE: Pope And Pals Are Making it Freaking Hard to Be Catholic
Congratulations on achieving 100 posts. God be with you.
However, your cavalier and often stinging assessment of the Catholic Church has given me little choice but to seriously consider your immediate excommunication (i.e. No bread or wine for you, mister!). Only your years of exemplary service as an alter boy prevents my gold and diamond pen from signing the papers. Otherwise, straight to Protestant-ville to you!
Of course, a tithe of 10% of proceeds earned from The Angry Czeck will go a long way to earning eternal forgiveness. (Just an idea.)
Your Friend In God,
Pope Benedict XVI
His Holiness and Other Stuff
From the Desk of Greg LeMond
Former Tour de France Champion
In regards to both your article ‘President LeMond Must Be Destroyed’ and to your 100th post: Get bent!
Mr. Czeck, The Angry
On behalf of ConocoPhillips and ConocoPhillips’ shareholders, I wanted to clear the misconceptions perpetrated by The Angry Czeck. While it is true that ConococPhillips earned a nice $15,000,000,000 profit several quarters ago, we only reported $4,300,000,000 in profit the last quarter. So obviously we’re not profiting from the increase in fuel prices.
Congratulations on your 100th post!!! Buy more gas.
CEO & Chairman
In your AUGUST 15, 2005 POST, you imply in your self-published BLOG, THE ANGRY CZECK, that the Iraq War was nothing more than a sinister government smokescreen to allow Motorola to sell cellular telephones to Iraqis.
“Of course, I am implying that Motorolla and the United States government is involved in a clandestine plot to strip the nation of free will so that unpopular policies can be promoted without protest while the sale of cancer-causing cell phones continues unfettered.”
Were it not for the inoperable brain tumor suffered by our chief litigator, we would have sued you for implying that our product causes cancer.
President & CEO
Thank you for your support during our time of physical rehabilitation. Were it not for your unflagging coverage, the loss of my husband’s testicles, fingers, eyelids, and nose would have been for nothing. (Not to mention my thumb!) St. James smiles every time he reads your latest post. (At least, it kind of looks like a smile.)
PS. Moe says “hi!”
Thank you for your courageous support, Angry Czeck. I’m honored that my plight was included in your quest for 100 posts. Your words have inspired an unrepresented culture of nervous toe-tappers to use public restrooms again.
I’m not gay. I never have been gay – not even during my reckless youth, when I toured with Liberace.
Retired US Senator Larry Craig
Lots of people watch Becker. Lots!
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
501 Front Street
Norfolk, VA 23510
Mr. Angry Czeck,
The Angry Czeck’s brazen statements concerning the treatment of animals are a bloody boil on the tailless ass of humanity.
Animals have just as much right to this planet as you do. For the record, pit bulls should eat as many children as they can catch. And while we are not aware of a “Monkey Insurgency” that you’ve repeatedly claimed to exist, PETA would officially welcome this refreshing new world order.
As you read this, a thousand fanatical PETA agents led by Pamela Anderson are waiting for you behind bushes and parked cars all across America, prepared to pelt you with balloons filled with monkey feces.
On another note, we applaud your opposition to the horrible Bush Administration, and we hope to secure a donation from you in the near future. Happy 100th post.
Your mother is missing a great deal of silverware. Do you know anything about this?
(NAME OF BUSINESS WITHELD)
Accounting & Billing Department
RE: Billable Hours, Lack Thereof
Czeck, Angry (Employee #00958A):
It has come to this department’s attention that your personal “blog” intends to publish its 100th posting. Congratulations. It’s a relief to the Agency to know that your lack of billed hours is not a result of severe illness or crippling injury.
On a related note, we’d like to inform you of a number of computer server restrictions to be activated in the coming weeks. We anticipate that the increase in productivity will far outweigh any negative reaction.
Chief Finance Officer
This is only a fraction of the outpouring of love The Angry Czeck has received during the fantastic run of the Century Series. I cannot imagine what the next one hundred excellent posts will bring, except the ruination of my credit, the booting of my car, and perhaps periodic beatings behind bars.
See you at Post #101.