Here’s a bulletin for you: Democrats are doing whatever it takes to lose the Presidency. Again.
And it is no easy task, bro. Not in an atmosphere where Republican candidates ought to be choking-up concession speeches and adding fresh walnut paneling to their new offices on K Street. Yet, the Party that infamously punished its acolytes with Dean and Dukakis is finding new and exciting ways to fuck us over.
It’s not enough that we’ve now culled the choices between a woman who can’t answer the phone without cue cards and a man who looks sharp in a turban. Democrats can’t even count votes without exposing incompetence.
I’ll bet Howard Dean never dreamed that punishing Michigan and Florida’s early entry into the primary season by removing their delegates was going to have ramifications later in the Summer. With Hillary projected to stomp the competition like a crazy hippopotamus, it seemed like a safe bet. Fuck you, Michigan and Florida! We’re taking our Jack Kennedy-signed football and leaving!
Ooops. Those primary votes look mighty helpful, now. And today we’re left with hundreds of loudmouthed pundits screaming into every available high definition camera that the primaries in Florida and Michigan ought to be recast. Naturally, the solution that receives the least airtime is the one that makes the most sense:
That’s right. As the Angry Czeck so eloquently put it in January, the best argument is “so?” Next time CNN reporters thrust microphones in Howard Dean’s red face and demand new primaries, Dean should adopt a dreadfully bored expression and say, “So?”
And then shrug, to underscore the point.
Look, punishing Michigan and Florida was a dumb idea to begin with. The Democratic Party looked like big whiny babies without the basic sagacity to realize that the missing delegates could come back to bite them in the ass. But it’s too late for ice cream sandwiches. Now the DNP needs to ball-up. They need to point to their scrotum a say, “Eat it, Nation! This is the decision we made, and damnitt, we’re sticking to it!”
Sure, that doesn’t really sound like the Democratic Party’s style. They’d rather pool opinions and wait for the hysterical movie stars to tell them what to do. Imagine if Tom Delay were running the DNP. He’d step to the podium, stifle a yawn, and succinctly explain that had Michigan and Florida behaved like good bitches, he wouldn’t have had to slap them down to begin with. It’s their fault, not ours!
Meanwhile, even the states that are allowed to send delegates to the Democratic Convention are failing miserably. Look at Texas. A primary and a caucus? Are you fucking kidding me? How can one candidate win a damn primary, and the other win a caucus in the same damn state? Somewhere, John McCain is struggling to raise his arm high enough to stifle a chuckle.
Speaking of McCain, didn’t he die five years ago? And if not, surely he did when Mitt Romney was threatening to become a Republican version of Hillary Clinton, but with much better hair. Now Mitt is begging (begging!) to be McCain’s VP, while McCain himself enjoys unintentional endorsements from the clowns who are supposed to be dealing the deathblow to his candidacy.
Take the New York Times for example. They’re supposed to be on the Angry Czeck’s side! But instead of digging up hard evidence proving that McCain is really a brainwashed North Vietnamese secret agent, The Times instead publishes a seedy, unsubstantiated sex story that gave the Nation way too many disturbing images of a shirtless John McCain reaching for a fresh packet of Cialis.
Now formerly disgruntled Republicans are breaking their backs to defend McCain against the Liberal Scourge of Slander & Liable! What a disgrace!
Worse still, Hillary Clinton is making a solid case for The Living Corpse by endorsing him in her own TV ads! “Who do you want in the White House when the phone rings at 3 AM?” Never pose this question! Not when your menu of answers consists of a) the former First Lady of Arkansas, b) a man whose name sounds like a terrorist, and c) war hero. It doesn’t take a lot of fancy education to put a check mark next to “war hero,” folks.
The explosive charges have been positioned and set for a McCain landslide, and if the Democrats can find a way to push him over the top with more moronic talk of Al Gore, so be it! If the Democrats are going to look like indecisive boobs in an election that was supposed to be untenable for any Republican candidate short of Jesus, then they may as well go balls out.
Blaze of Glory Time, Dems! Why not hinge the entire nomination on a single game of Connect Four between Hillary and Obama? Or have both candidates pledge free health care for everyone – in France! Or fuck it, and give the nod to Paul Tsongas. He’s really the guy you want picking up the phone at 3 AM anyway.