The Monkeys Are Manning Up

Discouraging news for humanity appeared on CNN this morning, who announced that 100,000 gorillas have been discovered living in the swamplands of Congo.

(CNN) An estimated 125,000 Western lowland gorillas are living in a swamp in equatorial Africa, researchers reported Tuesday, double the number of the endangered primates thought to survive worldwide.

“It’s pretty astonishing,” Hugo Rainey, one of the researchers who conducted the survey for the U.S.-based Wildlife Conservation Society, told CNN Tuesday.

Don’t you get it? Listen up, Hugo: The monkeys are building a secret army, man! They’ve had it with our larger brain pans and our Hollister t-shirts! Now they’re organized, and not even Wal-Mart can bust up this monkey union.

The Monkey Insurgency is real! Leave everything you don’t need behind – VCRs, ashtrays, the elderly – and head for the hills! Guard your testicles! Save us, Charlton Heston!



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