I was but a young and mildly agitated Czeck when George the First surprised the nation by tapping the junior Senator from Indiana, Dan Quayle for Vice President.
Dan was a young, fresh, good-looking man nobody knew anything about. I kind of liked the guy. He certainly was closer to my age than George, who seemed like someone who might reek of Icy Hot and embalming fluid. Dan liked to drop Jack Kennedy’s name whenever he could, too, and that was cool by me. I had read that Kennedy banged Marilyn Monroe.
Dan didn’t turn out to be so cool, especially when he got banged by the ancient Lloyd Benson on national TV, “I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no John Kennedy.”
After that, poor Dan couldn’t misspell “potato” without being dragged beneath the press’ stagecoach. And that was before YouTube.
Now we have Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska whose biggest accomplishments are kicking the chef out of the Mansion and hawking the State’s jet on eBay.
But man, she’s good looking.
And conservative. You thought the Puritan’s only landed on Plymouth Rock.
The Governor is a big fan of abstinence as birth control. As mayor of her hometown, Palin was not above giving the local librarian a call and recommending that a few choice volumes be banned. She has stated that “creationism” be taught right alongside evolution. (“Teach both. You know, don’t be afraid of information.”) Palin is staunchly pro-life, a position that endears her to conservative voters who mistakenly believe that McCain does not share the same view.
Essentially, Palin is a hot Mike Huckabee.
Palin’s new BFF, John McCain, has made it a point to shine up the Governor’s spotty credentials. She’s been a mayor. She’s been a Governor for a couple years. She has owned a business. Apparently, she shares qualities with a pit bull. Now, in the event that her 72-year old boss croaks in mid-term, she’s ready for the White House.
And if you buy that, then experience is no longer a reason to dismiss Senator Barack Obama. Your big trump card was aced by your own candidate.
Cindy McCain might believe that Alaska’s close proximity to Russia automatically earns Alaskans a degree in foreign policy, but that’s not flying with The Angry Czeck. But truthfully, I’m not holding that against Palin. How many Governor’s have foreign policy experience?
If anything, Alaska is a foreign country. If you think Russia is close, check out Canada. It’s like, right there people – Alaska and Canada are practically hosting a cuddle party. We’re lucky Palin speaks English.
Palin would do well to become a freaking Shakespeare of the language once she has to face the press on the campaign trail. She had better learn to explain her un-American attempt at censorship when Joe Biden brings it up during their first debate. Hell, she might even want to elaborate how firing hardworking chefs and jet pilots are going to improve the nation’s unemployment rate. That’s how crazy things are going to be for Sarah Palin.
In the end, Palin will not determine whether or not John McCain is elected President, just as Dan Quayle had no bearing on George the First. Her selection only assures that history will be made regardless of the election’s outcome.
Just don’t have Palin correcting a third grader’s spelling anytime soon.