The Angry Czeck has never written a Halloween post. Nor has he written a Columbus Day post, but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for one of those. However, my son, Angry Junior, keeps asking me “what would kill me?” (“If I touched the sun, would it kill me?” Yes. “If I fell off the couch, would it kill me?” Not likely.)
So I started thinking about the cool stuff that kills you. Then I hastily made it into a list and dropped it into my blog, because I privately vowed to give the public two posts a month, and it’s almost the end of the month.
SENTOX™ Nerve Gas (24)
The best part about SENTOX™ Nerve Gas wasn’t that it was instant painful death, but that you couldn’t just call it “gas” or even “nerve gas.” Nope. It commanded a full title! “We have to stop the terrorists before they release the SENTOX™ Nerve Gas!” As a bonus, SENTOX™ Nerve Gas killed the hobbit who played Rudy.
The Ark of the Covenant (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Apparently, the Ark’s death rays were rendered inert if you “don’t look.” However, some foolish Nazi’s ended up looking, and boy did they pay a price. Imagine hot cheese sliding off a Poppa John’s pizza.
Not The Cup of Christ (The Last Crusade)
If you discover the secret chamber of the final resting place of the Cup of Christ, don’t be fooled by imitation cups. Your entire head will dry into a raisin before it explodes. Furthermore, never trust Alison Doody to pick the right cup. She’ll screw it up.
Plants (The Happening)
Sure, The Happening might be the laziest movie ever filmed, but the idea of plants secreting chemicals that make you want to kill yourself is pretty cool. Especially when the former method was to sit and watch the first season of According to Jim.
Oil (The X-Files)
You think oil prices are killing you, try tangling with alien oil! Yeah, that shit will kill you. Just touch it, and it’ll march up your finger, then your forearm, then your upper-arm, then depending on the angle either the shoulder or the arm pit, then up your neck, under your jaw, around your mouth, and then finally into your nostrils! Somehow, the oil is coded with alien DNA. That’s all you need to know.
Where there’s smoke, there’s death. That’s just how it is on the LOST island. You never know what Smoke is. You just know it’s going to kick your ass. Which leads to the pleasantly symmetrical ending of getting smoked by smoke.
A Big Diamond (Conan the Destroyer)
More puzzling than sending Conan to retrieve a big diamond he can’t touch is sending Wilt Chamberlain along with a hot virgin girl he can’t touch. Regardless, both happen in Conan the Destroyer. Following orders, Conan never touches the big diamond, but the immortal Pat Roach does. The results are very bright.
The Blob (The Blob)
Despite a top speed of 2 MPH, people have a hard time avoiding The Blob. And once it gets on you, it’s not coming off. Which makes me wonder what we would have done if Steve McQueen hadn’t figured out that ice cold stopped The Blob. Would we have just nervously avoided it when it lumbered into town? “Don’t step on The Blob, Billy. Just get in the car.” We’d just have to live with the aggravation. World Series Canceled Due to Blob!
Naked Woman (Lifeforce)
There are two halves to the movie Lifeforce: One half involves a naked space vampire supermodel who sucks you so hard you nearly turn inside-out. The other half I’ve never bothered watching. Why risk ruining the rest of the movie? I’m just going to assume that the naked supermodel space vampire wins in the end.
Mad Scientist 1: This comes from the top, gentlemen. We need to make our Evil Unstoppable Assassin more eviler and unstoppable-er.
Mad Scientist 2: Cup of Christ! He’s already indestructible and as strong as Spider Man!
(Door bursts open)
Mad Scientist 1: Higgens! What are you doing here! You’re a mad dentist for Godsakes!
Mad Dentist: Shutup. I have an idea.
That’s the list. I’m sure I left lots of good stuff out, but quite frankly I’ve already lost interest.