According to the Angry Czeck’s favorite source of liberal news, NPR, there is a riotous, right-wing faction in India who physically attacks anyone who celebrates Valentine’s Day. I tried to imagine what this might look like: wild-eyed men in turbans punching holes in Ziggy™ greeting cards and burning down movie theaters that are currently showing He’s Just Not That Into You.
Can we import those guys?
Just for one day. Then we’d put them up in Cuba for one-to-five years.
But until then, we’d have a useful weapon to be wielded by all us former high school losers who never made it with the ladies. Do you like me? Check Yes, No, or Punch in the Face!
Fortunately for me, Mrs. Angry isn’t big for Valentine’s Day. No hastily assembled Kroger-store flower arrangements or Walgreen’s assorted box of chocolates for me! I might have to watch Love Actually or The Notebook, but I get out pretty clean. And it’s the one day when my cheesy sex jokes are permitted in the house.
Many of my brethren aren’t so lucky. I see the terrible stamp of doom etched on their faces. What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? Bed and Breakfast? Aw, crap, I’m screwed!
We members of The United Valentine’s Day Haters like to say, “Valentine’s Day was invented by Hallmark to sell greeting cards.” I never really bothered to contemplate this assertion until the Angry Czeck’s old Soviet spy satellite picked up this damning sound byte while floating 811 KM above Hallmark’s headquarters:
VOICE BELIEVED TO BE HALLMARK CEO DONALD J. HALL Jr.: Ha ha ha haaa ha! HA ha ha haaaa ha! Ha ha! Ha!
Isn’t the true purpose of Valentine’s Day to expose dateless losers, and too openly mock their feeble powers of attraction? It’s like giving society’s colander a couple big shakes, and then peeking to see what grisly remnants remain. Hee hee! Gross! Hee hee.
Because of this, I am most thankful to Mrs. Angry. Thanks to her, I am licensed to laugh and point at the fat guy ordering the Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese Combo…and nothing else. Yes, yes, as you single people chug Old Charter and watch the shadows of time cross your sad visage, I’m wearing the figurative t-shirt that says, “I’m With Her!!” Eat your bitter crumbs of loneliness! May your Nintendo Wii become your understanding mistress!
Now if you’ll excuse me, Mrs. Angry and I are going to watch Grey’s Anatomy.