In the early days of the Angry Czeck, I found myself in an airport terminal sneaking off to a job interview. Like most terminals, the television sets were soundlessly cued to CNN. The leading news story of the day appeared to revolve around a monkey.
A chimpanzee to be exact. CNN made such a big deal of these events; one might have thought we were all only weeks away from receiving lobotomies from a hairy Roddy McDowell.
In reality, a pet owned by a retired racecar driver went berserk and mutilated its owner.*
The extent of St. James Davis’ injuries and the nature in which he acquired them became instant Angry Czeck content. While I was horrified for Davis, and I didn’t really feel sorry for the guy.
Angry Maxim: If you attempt to make a pet of a wild jungle animal, then be prepared to pay.
At the time, Angry Czeck had about five readers. I ground out my post, and then occasionally updated the plight of St. James Davis. Later, for my amusement, I invented a Monkey Insurgency, which was intended to be more an attack on Bush policies than a goof on Davis.
On February 16, the Monkey Insurgency struck again, this time savaging a 55-year-old woman, Charla Nash.
From Time Magazine:
The victim’s injuries were reportedly gruesome; the head paramedic who treated her on the scene told the New York Times that he had “never seen anything this dramatic on a living patient.” Nash remains in extremely critical condition.
That sounds a whole lot like St. James Davis, who lost his fingers, his testicles, his nose, and several other vital parts that, when missing, tend to make children scream and run.
Today, while checking the Angry Czeck’s activity on Google Analytics, I was pleased to find a significant increase in readers. I figured that my opus on the separation of church and guns was a big hit. However, I found that a majority of my hits were the result of search engine queries:
chimp ate man’s testicles
Monkey attack testicles
eat your balls
Ladonnna “st. james davis”
st. james monkey attack
st. james davis chimps ate his balls
st. john chimpanzee attack
You might have noted a pattern. What happened to St. James and his wife, Ladonna, was horrible. Perhaps they were naïve to expect docility from an animal with the strength of 10 men, but the Davis’ seem like all right people.
I’m sorry, St. James Davis. Your hardships don’t deserve to be made into amusing material for an armchair blogger. The Angry Czeck wishes you and your wife a speedy recovery.
On another note, if you own a pit bull, you’re a moron.
* An anonymous reader reminded the Angry Czeck that the mighty St. James Davis was not mutilated by his pet chimpanzee, Moe, but rather was attacked by chimpanzees housed in the same facility as his simian pet. Remember, when one considers adopting the Angry Czeck’s words for fact, please refer to the disclaimer at the bottom of the page. — AC