I’m Sorry, St. James Davis

In the early days of the Angry Czeck, I found myself in an airport terminal sneaking off to a job interview. Like most terminals, the television sets were soundlessly cued to CNN. The leading news story of the day appeared to revolve around a monkey.

A chimpanzee to be exact. CNN made such a big deal of these events; one might have thought we were all only weeks away from receiving lobotomies from a hairy Roddy McDowell.

In reality, a pet owned by a retired racecar driver went berserk and mutilated its owner.*

The extent of St. James Davis’ injuries and the nature in which he acquired them became instant Angry Czeck content. While I was horrified for Davis, and I didn’t really feel sorry for the guy.

Angry Maxim: If you attempt to make a pet of a wild jungle animal, then be prepared to pay.

At the time, Angry Czeck had about five readers. I ground out my post, and then occasionally updated the plight of St. James Davis. Later, for my amusement, I invented a Monkey Insurgency, which was intended to be more an attack on Bush policies than a goof on Davis.

On February 16, the Monkey Insurgency struck again, this time savaging a 55-year-old woman, Charla Nash.

From Time Magazine:

The victim’s injuries were reportedly gruesome; the head paramedic who treated her on the scene told the New York Times that he had “never seen anything this dramatic on a living patient.” Nash remains in extremely critical condition.

That sounds a whole lot like St. James Davis, who lost his fingers, his testicles, his nose, and several other vital parts that, when missing, tend to make children scream and run.

Behind that innocent grin is chewed-up human flesh.

Today, while checking the Angry Czeck’s activity on Google Analytics, I was pleased to find a significant increase in readers. I figured that my opus on the separation of church and guns was a big hit. However, I found that a majority of my hits were the result of search engine queries:

st. james davis nascar
chimp ate man’s testicles

Monkey attack testicles

eat your balls

Ladonnna “st. james davis”

st. james monkey attack
st. james davis chimps ate his balls

st. john chimpanzee attack

You might have noted a pattern. What happened to St. James and his wife, Ladonna, was horrible. Perhaps they were naïve to expect docility from an animal with the strength of 10 men, but the Davis’ seem like all right people.

I’m sorry, St. James Davis. Your hardships don’t deserve to be made into amusing material for an armchair blogger. The Angry Czeck wishes you and your wife a speedy recovery.

On another note, if you own a pit bull, you’re a moron.

* An anonymous reader reminded the Angry Czeck that the mighty St. James Davis was not mutilated by his pet chimpanzee, Moe, but rather was attacked by chimpanzees housed in the same facility as his simian pet. Remember, when one considers adopting the Angry Czeck’s words for fact, please refer to the disclaimer at the bottom of the page. — AC



10 responses to “I’m Sorry, St. James Davis

  1. Before you feel too sorry for this guy, remember that his chimp Moe bit off a woman visitor’s finger some years back and his only comment was “Animals bite people, people bite people, Mike Tyson bites people.” Naturally, this was before his run in with the other two chimps.

  2. That’s a good point, Anonymous. Like many pet owners, St. James tried to equate animal behavior with human behavior to justify the violent actions of their pets. I find that pit bull owners often resort to the same tactics.

  3. ya’ll make no sense here, you are comparing apples to oranges..ok.. ummm having chimp bite someones fingers should be a reason not to sympathize with a man that had his testicles and nose ripped off?? i choose to sympathize with him!!!

  4. Hey, just like Faux News, you don’t let facts get in the way do you? Mr. Davis and his wife no longer owned the chimp in question. They had given it to an animal preserve and were there to visit it on its birthday. He and his wife were attacked by 2 other chimps, not their guy.

  5. The Angry Czeck

    Well played, Anonymous. You’re right. Moe the Chimp did not attack St. James. The Davis’ were visiting Moe on the chimp’s birthday, and a couple of other chimps broke free and went ape on St. James and his wife. I noticed my mistake a day after posting, but like most bloggers, I was too damned lazy to correct the error.

  6. I live in WCovina, have met the Davis a few times, and to be more specific, the woman who lost her finger supposedly had red nail polish and Moe’s favorite treat was red licorice. He saw the red and thought licorice. The bite was allegedly not malicious, Moe was in his cage at the time, she stuck her finger in the cage.

    I do agree though that people treating animals like children can have some very scary consequences.

  7. The Angry Czeck

    And that’s why I tell people not to wear hamburger shirts around me.

  8. Well, he’s talking out of the other side of his face now.

  9. Chimps play this game all the time,it's called "castrate the idiot".

  10. Pitbulls aren't dangerous dogs people. The reason you hear about them attacking people is because they're used for dog fighting. So they're trained to be aggressive not born that way. They're regular dogs like a golden retriever.

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