People always tell me that Republicans and women just aren’t very funny. What? Are you going to tell me Rosanne Barr isn’t funny? She had a hit show! And have you ever watched Reba? Her country-bumkin outlook on life is so true! And have you ever caught The Mommie’s on stage? Those girls have a bit about diapers that just kills!
See, women are funny, but Republicans not so much. Or so I thought!
The Angry Czeck’s illegal communications dish stationed off the coast of Hawaii intercepted a transmission from an old Soviet spy satellite positioned 31 miles above the Right On Comedy Club in Jacksonville, Florida. Here’s the exclusive transcript of comedian Red State’s entire 12-minute set! It kills!
VOICE BELIEVED TO BE Red State: Hey, hey-hey! Great to be back here on stage at The Right On!
Read something on CNN.com today. (Boos and hisses from the crowd) Just kidding! I read it on Fox! (Enthusiastic cheers)
Anyway, I read that 75% of students enrolled in one Texas public school are illegal aliens from Mexico. What’s up with that? No English, no papers, and no God?!
(Fake deep voice) “Hello, I’m God, and I’d like to enroll.”
(Fake nerdy voice) “Nope. Sorry, Almighty! Separation of you and state! Too bad, God!”
(Fake kid voice) “Hi, I’m Bin Laden, Junior! Can I enroll?”
(Fake nerdy voice) “You bet, son! God was just leaving!” (Wild applause)
Just got back from Wyoming. Man, it’s cold in Wyoming! Whatever happened to global warming? What’s up with that? Al Gore invented the Internet, but he forgot to invent global warming in Wyoming! Who gave him a Nobel Peace Prize? Whoopi Goldberg?
(Boos and hisses. Somebody shouts, “Kill her!”)
You know who’s fat? Michael Moore! Uh-huh! What’s up with that? More like, Michael Moore pie, please! (Laughter. Somebody fires a pistol.) No, but seriously. Michael Moore, man, he is soooo clueless! Am I right? Am I right? (Thunderous applause)
Obama wants to bail out Chrysler? Yes we can? More like, No we can’t! (One person laughs too loud and for too long) Who does Chrysler think it is? Halliburton?
(Fake black voice) Poor people always wants mo money. Get a job, and you won’t be poor! That’s my stimulus plan! (Five minutes of uninterrupted clapping, underscored by a number of hee-haws) You can take food stamps, but you won’t take my order at Jack in the Box? Why can’t poor people wait for money to trickle down like the rest of us?
Hey, what’s up with Nancy Pelosi? I mean, what’s up with that? Not my junk…’cause she’s ugly! Seriously, get a facial or something! (Somebody shouts, “That’s sooooo true!”) Nancy asked a question before a Senate hearing today, and she was accused of using enhanced interrogation techniques. (Sprinkling of uncertain applause) What’s up with that?
Ever notice how liberals are named Al? Al Gore. Al Franken. Al Qaeda. (Thunderous applause; the wet-ripping sound of a registered Democrat being torn to pieces.) What’s up with that? Thanks, ya’ll. I’m here all week! Try the dolphin-free tuna!
End of Transmission
See? Republican comedy is finally finding an audience. I hope to catch Red State’s act real soon, possibly on HBO, if the liberal, freedom-hating bastards will give him a microphone.