Republicans, your party is out of control.
The keg is foaming. The moochers have devoured the last of the guacamole dip, and the neighbors are one more loud Jars of Clay song from calling the cops on you. And the night started out so good.
Remember how easily you put Al Gore in his place? You made him look like a pompous twit! (It helped that he was already a pompous twit, but who noticed?) And then, just for an encore, you did the same to John Kerry, even though he didn’t really need the help.
You guys looked so tough! You sneered, bullied, scoffed, and you got people to believe that your sour outlook on the world was just a matter of “telling it like it is.” You stood up to those terrorist bastards. Anyone who whined about their fractured liberties, you reminded them who was in charge: You.
It was all good. We like strong leaders. Guys who never admit mistakes. Guys who take names later – just so they’d have something to write on the toe tag. When anybody raised a stink, you simply quoted some Scripture. Good move! The Bible study groups paid off big dividends when you were justifying your war against the Muslim hoards.
Except, you know, when you take the high road, you have a longer way to fall.
Like when you told your followers that you were the stewards of financial responsibility, and then you busted the bank on a worthless war. Or when you styled yourself as morality’s security guard, and then watched your captains fall in one seedy disgrace after another. What do you even stand for anymore?
Yep. It’s all falling apart.
And you know what? No silver lining! I mean, who’s in charge? John McCain? He’s undead, for crying out loud. Newt Gingrich? Not even Mrs. Gingrich – all three of them – wants to see Newt calling the shots. Mike Huckabee? The guy believes that the Earth is 5000 years old, for Christ’s sake! Jesus, no!
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was your Golden Boy. Hell, just this April the liberal mouthpiece Newsweek was giddily hailing Sanford as the new face of Conservatism. He was cheap! He was churchy! He didn’t want to take any stimulus money, even at the expense of his dirt-poor constituents. Sanford was the anti-Obama. He was the non-Clinton.
Actually, in some ways, he is the Ultra-Clinton. After all, Bill settled for fat local interns. Sanford traveled to freaking South America for his philandering. The best part? He’s positioning himself as a hopeless romantic! A Don Juan who simply got caught up in a “love story.” Let’s pray for him while he finds the courage to try to fall in love with his wife again. Why, Mark Sanford is just like King David! How do I know? Because he said he was.
So at least the Pubes have Sarah Palin. Like the Republican greats, she sticks to her guns! She gives those liberals what for! She’s like a pit bull, but she wears lipstick! Sarah may not be what you’d call “book smart,” but she sure as hell has pluck. And she never, ever quits!
Wait. She did quit! Why? Because people are mean! Because she just wasn’t built for “politics as usual.” Because she’s a maverick! Because governing one of the country’s least populated states was too damned hard.
And Palin’s the future of the Pachyderms! A woman who packs it in as soon as the going gets tough! Palin was high-and-mighty when she was pushing around local librarians. She wilted as soon as the Lower 48 began to push back. This is your future, Republicans!
If you can take comfort in anything it is this: We had our lean times, too. We had Walter Mondale, remember? And Mike Dukakis, Gore, and Kerry. We had Gary Hart, Paul Tsongas, and Screaming Howard Dean. We Democrats have had our own share of zeroes, but look! One of our guys is calling the shots now.
Sometimes you just have to be patient. Patience got us Al Franken.*
*For the record, Al Franken isn’t funny. His “book,” Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Liar, was the dullest book of comedy ever hacked out of a Brother word processor. I get it, Franken. Limbaugh is fat. I can’t believe you wrote an entire book about it. Stuart Smally was funny. Once.