The Angry Czeck has a friend who is several months pregnant with her first baby. If she’s anything like me and Mrs. Angry, she and her husband probably bought a lot of expensive books that pretends to prepare people for parenthood. Bah! Says the Angry Czeck. Raising kids isn’t rocket science. If caveman and the French can do it, so can you.
Still, a rookie parent could always use tips from a mystical guru. I’m willing to share with you my extensive knowledge, and my credentials cannot be questioned, as I have two kids myself. Stop listening to your mother-in-law and tattoo the following to your brain:
Ten Things The
Angry Czeck Says
You Need To Know
1. Kids are easy to trick and to fool. Thanks to limited experience with humanity, kids are greatly susceptible to half-truths and lies. For example, my eldest son has been under the misconception that his great grandfather was a talking orangutan. He got this idea from what he foolishly perceives to be a trusted source of information: me. Now he tells all his friends that he’s only a couple generations removed from a monkey! That’s the best kind of fun.
2. Kids are bouncy. Children can do things that would kill or maim an adult – like leaping off furniture, ramming themselves into walls, and deflecting rocks off their heads. I don’t have a degree in science, but I happen to have it on good authority that children skin cells are of a similar consistency to a rubber tree plant. As a result, kids are difficult to break and can be molded into a variety of fun shapes. Buy that Sit-n-Spin with confidence, Rookie Parent!
3. Kids don’t care how naked you are. Whether you’re fully naked in the shower, or partly naked while dropping a deuce, your kid won’t give a damn. In fact, you’ll likely get a visit from your kid the moment you’re in a stage-of-undress. Sometimes, you can very well be naked with another naked person. In which case, immediately refer to Point Number One.
4. Kids think you’re indestructible. It’s always wise to keep your abdominal muscles flexed when you have kids in the house, because you never know when you’re gonna receive a running head-butt to the bread basket. Furthermore, children rarely comprehend the true temperature of fire, the hardness of a baseball, or the sensitivity of your nuts. If you dislike pain in any form, I recommend the big bottle of ibuprofen.
5. Kids think Scooby Doo is real. That’s unfortunate, because you know otherwise and you may begin to question your kid’s intelligence. It won’t help that your kid eats Hungry Hungry Hippo marbles and talks like Kirk Douglas. Relax. Get off the phone with the Special School. As kids age, they become smarter and they adopt more elegant speech patterns. The challenge is to remain smarter than your kids. Once they surpass your IQ, it’s game over.
6. Kids will eat all your chicken nuggets. Science has yet to record how many chicken nuggets a kid can eat at once. However, it has been well-documented in the field that while a kid may eat a prodigious amount of chicken nuggets, keeping them them eaten (rather than, say, in a semi-liquefied form on your brand new couch) is another story entirely.
7. Kids and your cell phone are mortal enemies. The cell phone is a device that takes your attention away from your kid. Therefore, expect at least 18 years of never finishing a telephone conversation. Kids will resort to any tactic to separate you from your cell phone, including dumping your expensive phone into the toilet, swimming pool, sewage pipe, or onto a busy highway. You may temporarily fool a kid with “their own phone” (usually a brightly colored toy phone painted like SpongeBob), but it will not be long before your kid recognizes this pseudo-phone as worthless crap.
8. Kids can be sonsuvabitches. This is not an indictment of the mother’s lineage so much as the gentle observation that kids, under any number of circumstances, can elect to become insufferable bastards at a moment’s notice. Whether you’re shopping at the grocery or attending a tragic funeral, one cannot predict when your kid might start screaming for soft drinks, throwing shoes, or punching you in the butt. NOTE: This is when people without kids start glaring at you. Don’t hesitate to give these people The Finger as you drag your kid to “time out.”
9. Kids want to smoke your cigarettes. Whatever you’re doing – fireworks, booze, hookers – your kids want to do it too. Unless you want to come home from a hard day’s work to find your kid wearing your ball-gag, nipple-clamps and leather chaps, try to keep the checkered elements of your life under wraps.
10. Kids are lousy conversationalists. I don’t know about other parents, but I find myself answering the same damn questions all damn day long. “For Christ’s sake, yes! The sun is hot!” If you’re having a kid and expecting to have Voltaire for company, I’ve got disappointing news for you, Chief.
There you go, Rookie Parents. Excellent advice and insight that should get you through the next five our six years with all your limbs intact. Don’t send me any questions, because I won’t answer them. But if you send me cash, I promise to spend it.