Republicans On The Campaign Trail of Tears

I don’t remember Republicans being so whiny.

When Glen Beck started sobbing on TV, I thought it was an anomaly. The GOP is like Conan: It never cries. It smirks, yes. Shrugs in the face of doom. Continues watching cartoons in the wake of despair. But cry and whine, never.

And yet, whining has become the key tactic for the Republicans. They didn’t get the man they wanted behind the Big Desk, so they emotionally (and moronically) question the winner’s heritage. They didn’t get to keep the status quo, so they shrilly scream socialism. Its not just beneath them. It’s beneath all of us.

Glenn Beck now knows why humans cry.

This is the Party that leads with the gut, for crying out loud. Who knew that the gut was such a baby?

Perhaps this is the real Republican Party.

And after eight brutal years of enduring iron-fisted GOP rule, I sort of forgot how Republican politics work. I simply got used to pointy-headed Democrats being ignored by Bush and his pals. But this Health Care debate has re-educated me, and I think it should do the same for you.

Allow me to break it down:

How A Republican Survives a Democratic White House

1. Whatever a Democrat claims, counter-claim the opposite. With enough practice, this can become as reflexive as breathing or polishing your flag lapel pin. For example, if a Democrat says a program will save the taxpayer money, immediately insist that it will actually cost them money. If a Democrat claims that proposed legislation will increase air quality, don’t waste a second saying that the bill will most likely kill us all. Don’t bother with research and the messy facts that accompany it. Just say the opposite. You’re on Fox & Friends, so it must be true.

2. Make everything about The Troops. If you catch a Democrat taking a leak, he or she is pissing in the faces of our Troops. If you spy a Democrat baking a pie, you can bet it’s not baked for The Troops (it’s probably intended for Al Qaeda). By contrast, everything Republicans do is for the troops. If a Republican wears deodorant, it’s for the troops. If a Republican bangs an intern after church, it’s for the troops. See how this works? You can never claim too much patriotism.

3. Repackage the blame. Republicans recently blamed Obama for resorting to the “politics of fear.” What a masterstroke! Republicans invented fear politics, but now the Democrats are the fear-mongers! Forget that you can’t speak for three minutes on Fox & Friends without calling the President a Socialist. Never mind that you ominously whisper “nine eleven” every time your party’s sinister policies are questioned. You’re just telling it like it is! Obama says that healthcare today is pricey and that maybe we should fix it. BOO! You’re scaring me!

4. Insist that Christianity is under attack. Yes! Attack! You don’t have evidence of an attack, just that gut feeling we were talking about, so it must be true. During a debate (one in which you have failed to monopolize the microphone), claim that the Founding Fathers meant for America to be Jesus Country. Time your hissing perfectly when your opponent reminds you that neither Adams, Franklin, or Jeffereson held stong religious beliefs. Then shout, “Christianity is under attack!” (For bonus points, claim that it’s impossible for a white man to get a job in this country anymore.) This makes the crazy Christian Fundamentalists happy, because it means that they’re a big step closer to unloading their illegal cache of automatic weapons on the non-believers.

5. Say something completely crazy. You already have the mouthpieces in place: Glen Beck, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. All you have to do is make a nutty claim, and one of those guys will likely broadcast it to an audience of millions. For example, claim the President is not an American. Demand to see his birth certificate. When it is produced, pretend you didn’t see it. Keep claiming the President was born in another country until the Nation’s morons accept it as fact.

6. Nothing is too trivial to compare to Hitler. There is no greater evil than Hitler, so make sure to attach the Furor’s name to everything you dislike or fail to understand: universal health care, gun control, abortion, open diplomacy, or Sudoku. You know what Jesus would do. If a Democrat proposes it, you know that’s what Hitler would do.

7. Become hysterical at Town Hall meetings. Let’s face it – Town Hall meetings are laaaaaame. Spice it up by denying mental patients their medication for a week, and then unleash them before cringing Democrats! Make sure you don’t stick to talking points. Just grab the microphone and start screaming. Use words and phrases like “family values,” socialism,” and “Nazis.”

I’ve decoded your schemes and plans, Grand Ol‘ Party. Something else to whine about! Why can’t you man-up and take your ballot-box whoopin like men. I mean, we Democrats were nothing but dignified in 2000. We were so gracious, we let you have another four years so you’d have a do-over. But you screwed it all up, and now we’re in charge. If you don’t struggle, it won’t hurt so much

Really, it’s getting embarrassing for you.



One response to “Republicans On The Campaign Trail of Tears

  1. Excellent! Now I must storm a politicians office with violent words about freedom

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